Dear Seth Rogen

I remember when Facebook used to be about camaraderie.  In the past, the post, “Debbie is grumpy cause she’s working late on a Friday,” would be met with the friendly response, “I’m grumpy and working late, too!”  Or, “Working late sucks!”  Or, “Stick it to the Man!”  People united on this social networking site. 

But the times, they are a changin’.  Today’s facebook is overrun by impersonal invitations to shows, events, groups and fan clubs.  Worse, it seems everyone on facebook has a blog to promote.  Are we really supposed to read them all?  I like to be supportive of my friends, but it is starting to get ridiculous. 

And so, with the advent of this more detached social network, a new type of facebook user has been born.  This user yearns for the olden days, but is drowned out by the blog posts and youtube links.  This user is what I call, “The Fisher.”  I truly feel sorry for  “The Fisher.”  “Fishers” are lonely souls.  In order to be noticed, they leave open-ended wall posts, fishing for a response, searching for a heartbeat from the online world.  A “Fisher” might post,  “Robert is feeling something.” This begs the question, “What?  What are you feeling, Robert?  Is it peevish?  Timid or thrilled?  Nauseous or pensive?  Perhaps you are chilly?”  Like a fish to bait, we are hooked.  To avoid spending hours guessing, we are forced to comment, “What is it, Robert?  What are you feeling?” 

Seth Rogen, I want facebook to feel intimate again.  Facebook has become a personal PR firm and wading through an endless sea of self-promotion is exhausting.  I want to see people for who they really are, not the false image they carefully crafted for the public.  What do you think, Seth Rogen?  Are you tired of seeing people post their blogs or try to sell you tickets to an upcoming show?  I swear, I don’t know what I’ll do if I see one more facebook post promoting an upcoming event. 

We can talk about it after my shows on May 6th and 7th.  They are going to be so great!  I can’t believe I get a two night run this time at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  I hope you got your tickets reserved in advance at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.  The underground parking is free!  There is a full bar and food available.  I do love to eat!  It is really going to be an extravagant extravaganza!  Oh!  Please tell Billy Joel about the show.  I would love it if he could make it out for one of the performances.  Did I tell you the show has never before seen videos?  Well, it does. 

Oh, Seth Rogen, I wish the rest of the world were as honest as we are.  You mean the world to me.  See you at the show. 

Until then…

Debbie

After my Versed induce nap and brief stay at the hospital, I was feeling refreshed and light as ever.  It must have been the extra endometrial tissue my OB/GYN removed, L.O.L.   While reading the many “Get Well” cards from my fans, I began to reflect.  I realized, Seth Rogen, I am indeed a lucky lady.  I’ve been blessed with the ability to enrich people’s lives with laughter.  If nothing else, this recent medical scare has reminded me that the world would be a lousier place without me.  I do love giving back to the community.  So I have decided that my charitable deeds should not stop with my jokes.  Seth Rogen, I am going to become a philanthropist.

Every celebrity has a “cause.”  It is only natural that the next step in the evolution of my celebrity is to find my cause, preferably one with a tax write-off.  Where do I begin?

I was thinking about joining the green revolution (environmental, not Iranian).   In fact, I already recycle.  I even rinse out the food remnants from plastic containers before putting them in the bin.  That way the people at the recycling plant don’t soil their hands while sorting through my olive tapenade jars.  My mother argues that the water you waste rinsing the plastic neutralizes the positive environmental impact of recycling.  She also believes climate change is something most properly dealt with by upgrading your thermostat.   Unfortunately, the environment cannot be my cause.  In a city where every third vehicle gets forty miles to the gallon, going green has become passé.

My friend Jana works for Animal Advocates.  Maybe animals can be my cause.  I already go to the Animal Rescue Site on a daily basis and click to donate food for animals in need.  No.  My cause needs to be unique to me.  Besides, animals are also my mom’s cause, and I have a fear of turning into my mother.

I love babies.  But Brangelina and Madonna sort of cornered the market on that one.  Plus my doctor says I’m not allowed to be physical for two weeks after my surgery.  Not to mention, my apartment is too small for two dogs, a kid, and me.

Magic Johnson has the AIDS things covered.  Lance Armstrong has a stranglehold on cancer and George Clooney is all over human rights.

I could get into the disaster relief market, but that involves a good deal of patience.  Do I really want to wait around for the next earthquake or flood?  Poverty would be a golden one if it weren’t utterly depressing.  Women’s rights is definitely out after my one-woman show, “The Three Year Plan: How to Marry a Man in 1,095 Days” somehow failed to make substantial inroads in feminist circles.

I know!  I’ll start a book club.  Does that count as a cause?  It does promote literacy.  Shit!  Oprah already did that.

Oh, Seth Rogen, what should I do?  I’m ready to take my celebrity and good deeds to the next level, but all the best causes are taken.  Help me, please.

Until then…

Debbie

This is a big week for me.  First of all, my one-woman show, “The Three Year Plan: How To Marry a Man in 1,095 Days” goes up at the UCB theatre in Los Feliz on Wednesday at 6:30pm…

Second of all, I have a callback for a major motion picture comedy.  Only a short while as a mini celebrity, and already I am being typecast.  I’m up for the part of a character named, “Funny Jewish Friend.”  Typical.  I’m expecting to see Sarah Silverman at the audition.  After all, it’s not like there are that many funny Jews in Hollywood.

I met with my manager the other night to prep for the big audition.  She took one look at the character description and was devastated.  “I should have never advised you to get that nose job,” she lamented.  “Your old nose would have been perfect!”  It’s true, Seth Rogen… A couple years back I followed my manager’s recommendation and had the Jew cut out.   Does this mean I’m not Jewish enough to play “Funny Jewish Friend?”  At least I still have my labia menorah.  L.O.L.

I just don’t know how I feel about being typecast.  On the one hand, I’m glad they think of me as being funny… and Jewish.  But on the other hand, I’m so much more.  I tell you, stardom is tough – only I don’t have to tell you.

Seth Rogen, how do you deal with being typecast?  Like me, you continuously play the role of “Funny Jew.”  However, we both know you have the chops to play a gentile.  Or someone of a different race, perhaps.  Like a Mexican, or a Dwarf.   I also noticed that you get typecast as a stoner.   However, in our correspondence, I always get the sense you are of the sharpest mind.  Are you a method actor?  Do you delve into a life of excessive marijuana intake in order prepare for a part?  Should I go to Temple before my big call back?  What do you think Sarah Silverman will do?  I do love her jokes.

We can discuss this over a bottle of Manischewitz.  I love that it tastes just like juice.  Can’t wait to see you at the show on Wednesday.

Until then…

A Valentine for you…

Until then…

Debbie