Dear Seth Rogen

I remember when Facebook used to be about camaraderie.  In the past, the post, “Debbie is grumpy cause she’s working late on a Friday,” would be met with the friendly response, “I’m grumpy and working late, too!”  Or, “Working late sucks!”  Or, “Stick it to the Man!”  People united on this social networking site. 

But the times, they are a changin’.  Today’s facebook is overrun by impersonal invitations to shows, events, groups and fan clubs.  Worse, it seems everyone on facebook has a blog to promote.  Are we really supposed to read them all?  I like to be supportive of my friends, but it is starting to get ridiculous. 

And so, with the advent of this more detached social network, a new type of facebook user has been born.  This user yearns for the olden days, but is drowned out by the blog posts and youtube links.  This user is what I call, “The Fisher.”  I truly feel sorry for  “The Fisher.”  “Fishers” are lonely souls.  In order to be noticed, they leave open-ended wall posts, fishing for a response, searching for a heartbeat from the online world.  A “Fisher” might post,  “Robert is feeling something.” This begs the question, “What?  What are you feeling, Robert?  Is it peevish?  Timid or thrilled?  Nauseous or pensive?  Perhaps you are chilly?”  Like a fish to bait, we are hooked.  To avoid spending hours guessing, we are forced to comment, “What is it, Robert?  What are you feeling?” 

Seth Rogen, I want facebook to feel intimate again.  Facebook has become a personal PR firm and wading through an endless sea of self-promotion is exhausting.  I want to see people for who they really are, not the false image they carefully crafted for the public.  What do you think, Seth Rogen?  Are you tired of seeing people post their blogs or try to sell you tickets to an upcoming show?  I swear, I don’t know what I’ll do if I see one more facebook post promoting an upcoming event. 

We can talk about it after my shows on May 6th and 7th.  They are going to be so great!  I can’t believe I get a two night run this time at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  I hope you got your tickets reserved in advance at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.  The underground parking is free!  There is a full bar and food available.  I do love to eat!  It is really going to be an extravagant extravaganza!  Oh!  Please tell Billy Joel about the show.  I would love it if he could make it out for one of the performances.  Did I tell you the show has never before seen videos?  Well, it does. 

Oh, Seth Rogen, I wish the rest of the world were as honest as we are.  You mean the world to me.  See you at the show. 

Until then…

Debbie

Much like a clock, the New Year makes one think about time.  How time passes and how things change, plus the things one would like to change. These desired changes often manifest themselves as resolutions.  One definitively states, most often to an audience of peers, what he or she will change in the upcoming year, subsequently opening themselves up for shame and ridicule when their goal is not achieved.

A failed resolution, Seth Rogen, is usually the result of an abstract resolution.  For example, “be nice to Mom” or “earn a paycheck” are far too general to be achieved.  It is best to have a very specific resolution.  I have two.

My first New Year’s resolution for 2010 is to get rid of the ear pimple once and for all.  Seriously, this is becoming a bit ridiculous.  I’m not even sure what to tell my doctor when he asks what ails me- a reoccurring pimple of the ear canal?  I am certain he will respond with laughter, and not the kind we comedians need to survive.

I don’t understand it, Seth Rogen.  After all, I eat right - all organic!  Then again, my doctor father will tell you organic makes no difference.  “We all have chemicals in our body.  It’s natural,” he says.  He’s a Libertarian.  I wonder if he knows that the founder of Whole Foods is also libertarian. Anyhow, I exercise regularly and I sleep an average of twelve hours a night.  And yet I am plagued with a reoccurring pustule of the ear. What would you do, Seth Rogen?  Hot compresses are hard to fit in such a tiny cavity.

For Chanukah my sister gave me a personalized skin for my Macbook.  Along with pictures of my dogs, was a diagram of my ear with an arrow pointing to my pimple. Will this be my legacy?  If I died tomorrow, would my gravestone read, “Here lies Debbie Singer… Her ear pimple lives on”?

My second resolution in 2010, Seth Rogen, is to finally meet face to face.  While our correspondence has been incredible (and has gotten me through some really hard times), in 2010 I resolve to take our relationship to the next level.  I should be able to knock this resolution off the list pretty early. I’m sure my dad’s friend’s friend told your parents to tell you about my show this Saturday night at the Spotlight Comedy Club that starts at 7:30p.

So let’s say I’ll see you there, and we’ll start this year off right.  Can’t wait to see you Saturday, Seth Rogen.  I resolve to be funny. L.O.L.

Until then…

It is my fault, not yours. I take full responsibility. I thought that after the magic you pulled with Robin Williams, and then my celebrity sighting, you were capable of anything. But even you, Seth Rogen, are human. Apparently, your powers cease in La Crescenta.

My therapist has always told me that I have a tendency to either put people high on a pedestal, or deep in the mud. You see, I have been living my life in black and white. Let me reiterate, I am not racist. Today, Seth Rogen, I turn a new leaf. Today, I choose not to demonize you for failing to procure a mildly intelligent crowd at Monday night’s show. Today, I’m going to take it even one step further. I’m not going to demonize myself for expecting you to.

I want our relationship to grow and flourish, Seth Rogen. If I were to criminalize both of us for a less than perfect night, I would be cutting off my own nose to spite my face. And don’t you think the Jews have suffered enough?

Now, I don’t want to make it sound worse than it was. It wasn’t another Auschwitz or anything. All the comedians were hurting, even the gentiles. And I did leave with some laughs. I think what hurt the most, Seth Rogen, is that when I looked into the audience of three inebriated individuals, I expected to see your cherubic face cheering me on. But I get it. La Crescenta is just too far away. At least I’ll see you this Thursday at the Spotlight Comedy Club. Big show, Seth Rogen. I know you won’t let me down this time. Show starts at 7:30pm.

I’m hurting. Until then…

Debbie

My biggest problem with the Belly Room at the Comedy Store is that the walls are painted black. Not that I’m a racist. Some of my closest friends are black. It’s just that with the black walls, and the dim lighting for “ambience,” I was unable to see you in the audience on Monday night. You probably parked at one of those one hour meters and had to leave as soon as my set was over because you didn’t have any more quarters. I wish you had said something because I brought extra quarters just in case that very scenario presented itself.

The key to decorating a room is bright, bold colors, not black. I, myself, have been known to put together two colors that people might not expect to see in a room. It works. The eye wants surprises. Every space should have a defining feature. My apartment, for example, has the bedroom walls. I painted the walls a rust/reddish color. It matches my hair. Sometimes when I stand in front of the mirror facing the painted wall in my bedroom, my hair blends into the background and I appear bald. Or should I say the spitting image of my father? … Yikes!

Seth Rogen, did you know that redheads are going extinct? Also, the Dwarf Cavendish banana. That’s bad news because the Dwarf Cavendish is the one that has the best shelf life. It stays green the longest. That’s why it’s the one they sell in the grocery stores. They have enough time to transport it and sell it without it going bad. There are other types of bananas that are not going extinct, but they are not as conducive to sales. Anyway, sometime within the next 10-30 years we won’t have bananas in the stores anymore. Not sure how much longer on redheads. I’m scared. Sudden extinction is one of my greatest fears.

Anyway, my point, Seth Rogen, (bringing it back full circle) is that the walls were far too dark in the Belly Room on Monday night for me to see you. Had they been a brighter color, like my hair, or a banana even, I might have spotted you. Luckily, we will have another oportunity to meet tonight at the Spotlight Comedy Club at 7:30. Only $10 to get in. But who is gonna charge Seth Rogen, right? L.O.L. The food there is yummy. Do you like to eat?

Can’t wait to see you there. We just keep missing each other. Isn’t it odd? Until then…

Debbie

Tonight is the big night! We meet face to face at last! I can hardly wait! All week long I have been keeping myself on a strict regime of gogi berries, exercise, and sleep. I wanted to make sure I was ready for our encounter at The Spotlight Comedy Club at 7:30pm. So much in this world is out of our control, that I think it’s important to take control of what we can. After all, flu season is fast upon us, and my uncle works with pigs.

Despite all my effort to stay healthy this week, I got a pimple in my ear. That may sound like no big deal, but I typically have a crystal clear complexion. More importantly, I am concerned that it will throw off my equilibrium. Sense of balance is one of two key functions of the ear. The other is hearing. There are a few steps leading up to the Spotlight Comedy Club stage. What if my zit makes me fall as I make my grand entrance? Vertigo is one of my greatest fears.

I also often fear that there is food stuck in my teeth. For this reason, I carry around a compact mirror in my purse. Pulling out a mirror makes me feel shallow. So, I have found that after eating, one can casually use a butter knife to check one’s teeth (this is frowned upon in nicer restaurants). I would personally avoid using a spoon. Even though it has a large reflective surface, the curvature of the spoon often hinders the ability to see the food hidden in one’s teeth, and therefore gives one a false sense of security.

Oh, I can’t wait to meet you tonight, Seth Rogen. I am flossing in anticipation. Until then…

Debbie

Dear Seth Rogen,

I’m sure that by now my dad’s friend’s friend has sent your parents that email with the link to my website (debbiesingercomedy.com) to forward to you. Did you just love the cornucopia of entertainment that my site offered? And as promised in the letter, I am happy to have my people contact your people with my sitcom pilot. I am sure you will love that as well. As I see it, I star; you direct and produce. I’m sure we could find an acting part for you as well.

Isn’t it funny, the whole six degrees of separation thing? Who would have thought we both have parents that have friends that know the same guy? I must say, that’s a pretty small world if there ever was one. We have so much in common. For instance, I hear your parents met each other in Israel. That sounds really romantic. Shalom. My parents met at a bris.

Speaking of circumcisions, did my dad’s friend’s friend tell you that two ultrasounds said that I was going to be a boy? My mom says it was from the extra skin on my thighs, but my dad (as a doctor) insists that it was because my large clitoris looked like a penis.

Anyhow, I have a standup show this Friday. I’m assuming my dad’s friend’s friend told your parents to tell you about it. I think it’s gonna be a good one. Friday night is a good night for me. I’ve been feeling a surge of energy and working on some really good jokes for you. So when you show up, I know you are gonna laugh. I’m just finishing up this one about tuna fish, midgets, and softball. It has your name written all over it.

The show is at The Spotlight Comedy Club. It is located at 12215 Ventura Blvd, Studio City, CA 91604. The show starts at 7:30pm. Tickets are $10. (Although I am sure when they see Seth Rogen coming, they will just let you in L.O.L.)

I am really looking forward to meeting you this weekend, Seth Rogen. I feel like we have been friends for a long time already. Until Friday …

Debbie