Dear Seth Rogen

This past week the New York Television Festival screened my pilot OB/GY Anne at the Tribeca Cinemas in Manhattan.  Millions were invited.  Dozens came.   And can you believe my incredible good fortune?  In much the same way you received an Emmy nomination for your fine writing on the 2005 season of Da Ali G Show, I too was nominated for best writer.  Seth, you and I are so alike in so many ways.  From our multi-hyphenate professions to our passive Judaism to our admiration of pornographic thigh high socks from American Apparel, our similarities are part of what make us so close.
 


In fact, that’s precisely why I’m afraid the recent news articles that make mention of my New York exploits may have upset you.  You should have heard it from me first, but I assume you’ve been reading renowned industry web publications such as TheWrap.com, avclub.com, and DebbieSingerComedy.com. Therefore you know that, unlike you in 2005, I did not lose to John Stewart.  That’s right, Seth.  I’m sorry to say but I did indeed win the award for “Best Writer” at the festival.  I have the hardwear to prove it.  Well, a piece of paper, but a very validating one with framing potential.

 

I know it can be tough to see your friends succeed when you are struggling, Seth Rogen. That’s why I just wanted to reach out and encourage you to stick with it.  Don’t feel discouraged by the lack of challenging roles, or the fact that you seem to play the same character in every single movie.  Often those in casting have a limited imagination and I know it has nothing to do with the erroneous claim that you write yourself roles catered to your limited acting range.  Someday someone will see the magic I see in you.



So please, don’t feel threatened by my newfound success.  I’m still me.  You’re still you.  We’re still us.  This isn’t going to change our relationship one bit.   One of these days you too will write something that receives some recognition.  Perhaps one day you will even win an award for a project that touches the lives of people the way my pilot touched the lives of the couple that came to see it at the NYTVF.  Chin up, amigo!  And if you ever need someone to take a look at your pages and give you some tips, just let your old friend Debbie know.  I can totally refer you to this great instructor I met at the 2010 Screenwriting Expo. 

Stay strong, Seth Rogen.  I’ll see you at the top.

Until then,

Debbie

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Wow! You really do come through for your friends.  Your latest act of good will thrust in my direction has certainly made my winter.  I mean, I just can’t thank you enough for convincing Samm Levine to star along side me in OB/GY ANNE, the hilarious sitcom pilot I just shot!  And you are so modest, Seth Rogen.  You never once mentioned to me that you’d be getting in touch with Samm. 

Even Samm downplayed your role in the whole thing, saying the two of you haven’t really spoken since “Freaks and Geeks” and that he only agreed to do my pilot because he is good friends with fellow OB/GY ANNE star, Jim Turner.   Jim plays Dr. Valentine, my character’s gynecologist and handsome father figure.  Viewers will recognize Jim from HBO’s “Arli$$.” He’s the one in the way way back of the photo.

I thought maybe you were the one that convinced Mr. Turner to do the pilot, but Jim says that he is only doing the show because he plays basketball with the director on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings and it would have been awkward to say no. 

Don’t worry, Seth Rogen.  I know Jim and Samm are just protecting you.  I can go along with the story. Obviously, Seth Rogen, you and I have a special connection.  You wouldn’t send Samm Levine to go work on any old project that a friend of your parent’s friend’s friend was working on.  And you don’t want friends of your parents’ friend’s friends coming out of the woodwork.  Your secret is safe with me ;)

I do hope that we will see you at the premiere on March 12th.  We have rented a theater for the event and plan to serve fancy things, like sesame crackers with crab salad, smoked meats, and red pepper hummus.  Oh, Seth Rogen, I feel like such a starlet.  I even got a stylist for the event, just like any other A-list celebrity.  I have watched the Rachel Zoe show on Bravo, and was pretty excited to work with the stylist of the stars.  Naturally, when I called her office to book the appointment, I was met with laughter.  I have to admit, Seth Rogen, the uncontrollable chortling on the other end brought a huge smile to my face.  My humor is becoming so universal that the mere mention of my name brought a wealth of merriment to Zoe’s assistant.  Alas, Seth Rogen, there appeared to be something wrong with Zoe’s phone, as I was abruptly interrupted by a dial tone.  When I called back, just as someone seemed to pick up, I again was disconnected.  I fear that with such a bad phone line, Rachel Zoe’s business may suffer.

In the meantime, I did what was necessary, and found another stylist.  She is not nearly as famous.  In fact, I am her first client, but so far my neighbor has really seemed up to the task.  She took me shopping for a dress, and rather than payment, I babysat her child while she ran some errands.  As it turns out, she needed to get her nails done, get a spray tan, plus stop at Whole Foods for a gallon of soymilk.  It works out for the best, because not only did I get a great dress, but I also allowed my stylist to help stimulate the economy.  My dad, the libertarian physician, agreed with my choice in stylists, saying President Reagan would have been proud to see me administer the “trickle down theory.”   It feels good to give back to the community.  Still, I hope that by the next time I need a stylist, Rachel Zoe’s phone will be fixed. 

Oh, Seth Rogen, I can’t wait for you to see the show.  I know I’ll see you at the big premier!  All the details are on the facebook invite.  I’m sure Samm Levine made sure you got it.  Don’t forget to RSVP!!! 

Until then…

Debbie

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I hate to report that I am in the midst of a family feud.  And what’s worse, the family that I am feuding with has no idea that we are feuding.  This family that I speak of is my own.  Specifically, my father.  That’s right, Seth Rogen, my dad - the man who is friends with your parents’ friend and the one whose existence connected us in the first place - is now vying for his piece of my “celebrity pie”… which happens to be pumpkin flavored for the holiday. 

I know this must sound very confusing to you.  I can understand that.  How is it even possible for a father to begrudge his daughter the celebrity that she worked so hard for?  How would a father even attempt to compete with his daughter?  Well, Seth Rogen, leave it to my father, with his cunning yet crazy medical libertarian genius, to find a way.

My father, who once told me that I am the new face of comedy, is attempting to become the new face of medicine.  Literally.  You see, John C. Lincoln, a big Phoenix hospital, has decided to promote their surgical services with billboards.  These billboards use the face of a local doctor to  establish a sense of familiarity and compassion.  John C. Lincoln asked my dad to provide his tender mug for the billboard, and he was only too eager to pounce on the opportunity.  Now, when Phoenix drivers head down loop 101, they are forced to take their eyes off the road in order to view the 20’ x 30’ Richard Dreyfus look-a-like that is my father.  On particularly bright days the sun will reflect off his shiny forehead, blind drivers, cause a traffic accident, and result in new customers for John C. Lincoln.  Brilliant.

Back in Hollywood, I have only become the new face of comedy in the figurative sense.  My agent assures me that I am a star, and explains that the reason I don’t get called in for auditions at the moment has nothing to do with a lack of funny.  I probably don’t get called in, because at my level, an audition really isn’t necessary.  I’ll simply be notified when a roll is created for me.  But it’s not fair, Seth Rogen.   In my father’s line of work, he has so many more opportunities to become a household name.  It’s not as if actresses and comedians have the same opportunities to have their faces plastered on large signs.  Unlike a surgeon, a comedian must actually do hard work to get recognized.

Seth Rogen, I don’t know what to do.  My brother-in-law, Matt, was recently featured in the local Palo Alto paper for his veterinary tech skills, but his story was humbly tucked away on page 17.  Matt understands where the spotlight in the family is meant to land and he didn’t push for the front page or a gaudy billboard. 

How do I tell my dad that I am uncomfortable with his desperate need to compete with me to become the most successful Singer?  I mean, a little competition is healthy, but I don’t want him to get hurt.  He is simply a general surgeon in one of the most prestigious major medical groups, and I think it’s pretty obvious who would win that battle. ;)   What would you do?  You’re always there when I need you.



Debbie

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Did you know the average person has one hundred fifty thousand hairs on their scalp?  I am a lover of hair.  I love looking at it, washing it, and styling it.  On more than one occasion I’ve been referred to by myself as an amateur hair stylist.  The great thing about hair is that it is so versatile.  Most people don’t realize the diverse uses for the filamentous bio-material  that grows from the follicles found in their dermis.  I’ll stop you there, Seth Rogen, cause I can already see the wheels in your head turning, asking…”Debbie, what else are its uses?”

Well, Seth Rogen, I’m glad you asked.  Human hair is actually stronger and much more robust when compared with all-pervasive fiberglass.  So it should come as no shock to you that Ronald Johnson, a former hair stylist, created an environmentally friendly material using hair clippings which could ultimately substitute for products which contain considerable amounts of fiberglass.  And what did he do with this hair material?  Well, he built a chair!  I’m looking to purchase one for my home office.

Lady Gaga had a hat made of hair, but hair’s fashion abilities go far beyond the head.  The creative design team from the Artidjana fashion house utilized 165 feet of blonde human hair within this dress that was modeled in a fashion display in Zagreb, Croatia.   

And who doesn’t love art?  A Beijing artist built a statue of Barack Obama using human hair. 

There is really no limit to where hair can go (and grow) and what it can do.  And that is why I am such a fan of hair.  Unfortunately, Seth Rogen, I believe that some of my fans have discovered my fondness towards the cylindrical filaments that protrude from the scalp.  They have abused that knowledge, and, well quite honestly made me have a bad hair day.  I’ll explain…

I was sitting with my girlfriends at a twenty four hour diner out at Morongo Casino, nourishing myself after a late night of dancing at a bachelorette bash.  The bride-to-be had just ordered her biscuits and gravy, when a gentleman with very long braids approached our table.   As this gentleman sat down, his charcoal locks fell right into my water.  As much as I love hair, I am an even bigger fan of hydration, and I had no idea where this braid had been.  I tried not to seem taken aback.  After all, he was probably just a fan trying to find a way to connect with me.  I remind myself constantly that even though I am a celebrity, I am also a person.  So I try to be understanding when a fan wants to talk to me.  After all, without our fans, who would we be?  Am I right, Seth Rogen, or am I right? 

And so, I very kindly asked him to remove his hair from my water glass.  He did so, and quickly, but he then took his braid and began to rub it along the table.  I must admit, I was quite disgusted.  His friends all watched from the next table over.  I commend this braided gent for his brazen bravery, but Seth Rogen, this is no way to connect.  He continued rubbing his hair against the table, until the biscuits and gravy arrived.  At which point, he dropped his plaited hair onto the bachelorette’s plate, dipped his braid into the gravy, and painted a heart on the table. 

Well, Seth Rogen, I regret to admit that words failed me at this point.  I sat there with my mouth agape.  Clearly, the gentleman thought he had done well, as he smiled, and his friends at the table behind us all started to applaud.  I didn’t know what to do.  I do love hair… and gravy.  Perhaps this was his way of trying to combine two of my favorite things into the ultimate introduction.  But before I could give the man my autograph, the bride to be picked up our plates and moved a few tables over.  I can’t say that I blame her.  Hair in your food is quite disgusting, no matter how much you love the two items separately.

Oh, Seth Rogen, I’ll never look at gravy the same again.

       
Until then…

Debbie

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Human beings often do things that are bad for them, blaming their destructive actions on the unquenchable urge to emulate their celebrity heroes.  For instance, people drink alcohol to be more like Lindsey Lohan.  People steal to be more like Winona Ryder.   People even wear manga-like “circle contacts” (that may cause corneal abrasions and blinding infections) in order to look more like Lady Gaga in her “Bad Romance” video.  Where will the destruction end, Seth Rogen? 

The way I see it, as long as people are going to mimic celebrities, they may as well be doing something good for themselves.  That’s where Heidi and I come in.  As a celebrity, I know people will want to mimic whatever I do.  And in order to maximize my positive effect on the community, I am teaming up with Heidi.  Together we are going to spearhead the latest and greatest health craze… Acupuncture!

You see, Seth Rogen, I have been a lifelong sufferer of migraines.  My neurologist suggested I try acupuncture to lessen the pain.  Lo and behold, the ancient Eastern remedy worked like a charm.  I can’t wait for the world to know so they too can reap the spoils of acupuncture.  

Where does Heidi come in, you ask?  Who is Heidi, you might also ask?  Heidi is one of Hollywood’s fastest rising stars.  She was recently discovered by a talent agent while frolicking in a park.  According to her agent, her look was fantastic, and her skills stellar, but unfortunately for Heidi, she suffered from arthritis.  As an actor, she was physically able to do the tricks demanded of her, but not as repeatedly and as often as required on set.  Unless Heidi did something about her condition, her agent claimed she would only be able to do print ads.  Heidi knew she was destined to be more than a pretty face.  So, this blossoming talent went to an animal acupuncturist.  Now she is able to move like a star. 

So, you see, together Heidi and I will show the world that man and man’s best friend can both benefit from what will soon be the latest trend. The only problem is, I have not been able to make contact with Heidi.   As it turns out, it is much more difficult to communicate with a dog than it is with a person like you, Seth Rogen.  I’m doing everything I can to find her.   I bring my pups to the dog park and make them stay alert for any sign of her.  I’ve even brought them for some dog acupuncture of their own.  If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that this is a small world, and the celebrity world is even smaller.  Sooner or later Heidi and I are bound to run into each other. 

If you happen to run into her before I do, please let her know I am looking for her.  Your help means so much to me, Seth Rogen.  Oh!  Perhaps you would like to try some acupuncture as well!  It might be more effective than the medicinal marijuana you frequently use to deal with your pain.  Let’s work together to use our celebrity status to make the world a pain free place. 

Until then…

Debbie

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My mother has always stressed the importance of skin care.  Every time she visits, she brings me obscene amounts of dermatological merchandise.  A serum for the eyes, an ointment for the lips, a balm for the smile lines, and a specially formulated nighttime repair salve.   Plus, the “free gift with purchase” lipstick.  With a wrinkle free wink, my mother promises me eternal youth.  

As you can tell, Seth Rogen, skin care is something I grew up with, and it is something that is very important to me.  Lately, however, I have found I no longer have room for all the derma goods my mother brings me.  I want to turn her products away, but I worry that she will take that as a direct affront to her well established stance on the importance of skin care.  I also worry that the worry will manifest itself as lines on my face, completely negating the clinical benefits of the products and forcing me to accept even more skin care handouts. 

And so, I have decided to do the only logical thing.  I am going to start my own skin care line. 

I won’t be the first celebrity to have her own skin care line.  Heidi Klum has “In An Instant,” Susan Lucci has “Youthful Essence,” and Cindy Crawford teamed up with Dr. Sebagh over a decade ago to create the “Meaningful Beauty” line.  Though I applaud Ms. Crawford for choosing a  brand name that champions the politically incorrect (but true) opinion that “meaningful” beauty is actually on the outside, I do not plan to follow her business model.  You see, unlike Ms. Crawford, I won’t be teaming up with a dermatologist.  Who needs a doctor when you can rely on years of skin care knowledge instilled in you by your mother, who once worked as a medical school librarian?

My business plan came to me by chance, really.  It was a weekday.  I arrived at the Whole Foods parking lot.  A gentleman in a Ford Explorer pulled into the adjacent spot.  Suddenly, I heard a loud and frightening “POP.”  At first I thought his tire exploded, or perhaps he ran over a Smartwater water bottle.  But no.  This sound had an odor and that odor was something awful.  Certainly not the sweet smell I have come to expect from Whole Foods.  I walked past his car, and found that he had run over a previously airtight bag of feces.  The man had no idea, so I said “Excuse me, sir?  I think you just ran over a bag of poop.”  And that’s when it hit me like a bolt of lightening.

I do apologize, Seth Rogen.  At this point, I am sure you cannot see where my moment of inspiration came from.  I must admit, it does sound a little ludicrous.  However, Seth Rogen,  I am going through a culturally exploratory phase, and have of late, been reading up on Japanese customs.  For centuries the Japanese have been using uguisu, a skin care product made out of songbird feces.  In the 18th century, geisha and kabuki actors used it to wipe the heavy white makeup off their face.  I know what you are thinking, Seth Rogen.  “Ewe!  Poo!”  But don’t pooh-pooh it so fast.  Research has shown that the feces are high in the amino acid guanine, and are said to be great for the complexion. 

What’s more, Eucerine (a very commonly used moisturizing lotion here in the states) has the ingredient Urea.  While it helps nourish your skin, urea is found in the urine of mammals.  Are you seeing where I am going with this, Seth Rogen?  Yup, you got it.  There in the parking lot I thought, “I am going to make my own, all natural skin care line!”  Hardly able to contain myself, I grabbed the bag of excrement and promptly ran home.

At the moment I am working on the skin care line from my apartment.  I have drastically increased my intake of both water and fruit, but progress is slow.  Would you like to team up with me?  We could produce twice as quickly.  I can have a nice organic fruit basket sent to your house.  Stay away from the bananas, they’re binding.  What should we name our skin care line?  “Scent of Beauty?”  Just think what it would look like to have both our names on the label!  Oh, Seth Rogen, I’m so excited!  Let’s get together and brainstorm soon. 

Until then…

Debbie

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I am being sought after by a cult.  Of course, I’m not the first celebrity to be coveted by a cult.  Scientology, for instance, has been recruiting celebrities for years with celebrity recruitment centers that span the globe.  If you are a celebrity (which you are, L.O.L.), they even wave the $1000 fee for an auditing course.  No wonder fellow comedic actresses like Laura Prepon and Jenna Elfman belong to the Church of Scientology.   Unfortunately, Seth Rogen, the cult recruiting me is far scarier, and much less glamorous than L. Ron Hubbard’s elite club. 

The Debbie coveting cult I speak of is using my own mother to get to me (they’ve clearly forgotten that a young woman’s greatest fear is becoming her mother).  You see, Seth Rogen, my mother is part of an exclusive cult, know as CAbi.  Some might say that CAbi parties are just a bunch of your friends eating, drinking, and shopping for clothes, all in the comfort and privacy of the home.  While this sounds harmless enough, my incredible sleuthing skills (a.k.a. instinctive Jewish meddling) have led me to discover a few signs that prove the CAbi’s are indeed a cult. 

My findings: 

1. Most cults have a charismatic leader that holds a tremendous amount of sway over the members.  

CAbi certainly has that charismatic leader in Carol Anderson, the former Nordstroms designer that was tired of being told what to design, prompting her to start her own line sold exclusively through independent “consultants.”  I’ve seen my mother purchase a polyester track suit from the CAbi catalog, just because the “consultant” told her it was one of Carol’s personal favorites.  With that kind of power, who knows what Carol Anderson will make my mother do next!

2. Most cults promote isolation and exclusivity, often times forcing members to cut off contact with their own family.

Can you imagine cutting off contact with me, Seth Rogen?  Neither can I… and we’re not even technically family.  Well, before these CAbi parties, my mother would answer her cell phone in a movie theater just to tell me that she was in a movie and couldn’t talk.  Now, when my mother is at one of her CAbi parties, she lets my call go directly to voicemail!  The forced isolation is obvious.  Plus, the blatant exclusivity of this cult is apparent in its very name.  That’s right, CAbi stands for Carol Anderson by invitation. 

Don’t worry Seth Rogen, this CAbi cult will never be able to lure me in and you and I will never lose contact.  I’m far too smart for them.  I never order clothes from a catalog.  You just can’t trust the sizes are what they say they are. 

3.  Cults often strongly imply that money contributed to their cause will earn the contributor numerous gifts, powers, and abilities.

This mark of a cult brings me to a new threat, Seth Rogen.  My sister’s future mother-in-law is attempting to have me join a second cult, led by a charismatic drag queen called “Mary Kay.” 

Mary Kay certainly fits the bill of a cult.  To date, my sister’s future mother-in-law has poured countless hard earned dollars into this cult, and for what?  Sure, Mary Kay has rewarded her with two automobiles and flawless skin, but at what cost?  And what if my mother were to be sucked in by this cult’s incredible exfoliating foot rub?  After all, she does not possess my iron will.   I’m sure that my mother’s membership would be frowned upon in the cult community, as cults are quite exclusive, and do not encourage an incestuous overlap of members.

Seth Rogen, what should I do?  Have you or anyone you loved ever been lured in by a scary cult such as The CAbi’s or The Manson family… or The Tea Baggers?  If so, what did you do to bring them back to a healthy state of mind?  I must fight against this evil.  Please help. 

Until then…

Debbie

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The other morning, there was a woman dressed in rags sitting on the curb outside my neighborhood Whole Foods holding a sign that read, “Your Fortune For Food.” Normally I am not one to buy into psychic psychobabble, but this woman was different than most that claim clairvoyance.  You see, Seth Rogen, as I trotted along, she called out, “I’m a psychic to the stars!”  Naturally, being a rising star myself, I could not ignore the coincidence.  As you know, it is not often that a psychic of the stars is as available as this woman.  I took it as a sign. 

So, I handed the psychic my Luna Bar and organic acai berry smoothie and sat down by the garbage cans.  After a long hard look into my eyes, and long hard sip of my smoothie, Glenda (as she later introduced herself) told me, “You will be faced with a new career opportunity.”

At first, I hadn’t any idea what Glenda was referring to.  At the rate I am going, what would I even do with a new career opportunity?  I’d probably have to turn it down with my busy schedule and all.  Then, just hours later, it all began to fall into place. 

That afternoon, I made a post surgery follow up visit to my gynecologist.   It was there that I discovered my gynecologist has taken to teaching. No, I do not want to be a teacher, Seth Rogen, although that is a valid guess based on the way I have structured this paragraph thus far.  During this exam, my doctor brought in an intern to take a look.  Always an advocate of education, I allowed it.  The intern sat down on the rolling stool, faced my furry taco, squinted, explored, then spoke these life-changing words, “You have a beautiful cervix.”

Well, Seth Rogen, to be honest, I haven’t seen that many cervixes.  What would make mine any more beautiful that someone else’s, like your mother’s for instance?  The intern handed me a mirror to take a look for myself.  I must tell you, Seth Rogen, truer words have never been stated.  I lost myself in the image within myself.  Never had I seen such beauty, as in that pink doughnut that was reflected back at me. 
 

Well, Seth Rogen, I’m sure it is pretty obvious by now what my new career opportunity is.  I am going to become a Cervix model! I tried to call my agent to tell him of my new discovery and have him book me my first cervix gig, but my call went directly to voicemail.  He says he has terrible reception in his home office.  So, upon arriving home, I sat at my computer and searched for cervix model gigs on my own.  Guess what? I found the perfect thing.  You’ve probably already heard of the Beautiful Cervix Project, a website that displays images of the cervix to help women understand the cycles of cervical change.  I have no doubt that my beautiful cervix will be useful to the Beautiful Cervix Project.  I can’t wait to hear back from them.  

Seth Rogen, I am now a triple threat, as the industry likes to call it.  I can act, sing, and model my cervix.  Thanks to me, all the women in this world (with internet access) will know what a perfect cervix should look like.  It is my duty to share my cervix with the world.  Otherwise, Glenda’s prophecy will go unrealized. 

Seth Rogen, do you have a body part you feel could help others?  A body part that you could model?  Possibly your eyes, or your knuckles, or your prostate?  If so, do you have talent representation for that specific body part? Because I’m afraid my agent doesn’t have a lot of experience in this department.  If you don’t mind, Seth Rogen, I’d like to use you as a reference when contacting them about my cervix.

Until then…

Debbie

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My agent assures me that I am redefining comedy.   He says I am not to worry about a recent lack of auditions.  As my agent explains, “nobody goes on auditions April through September.”  According to him, the industry essentially shuts down, which explains why he hasn’t returned my calls.

With this momentary pause in my breakthrough career, I took some time to celebrate my little sister and her accomplishments.  My family and I have always been supportive of my sister, even if her goals are pedestrian.  So, this past weekend, when she graduated with her Doctorate in Psychology from Stanford, I proudly put on a supportive happy face, went up to the Bay Area, and celebrated.

The graduation was an extravagant event.  Not Academy Awards extravagant, but daytime Emmy extravagant.  And like any good award show, recipient after recipient shed a tear.  As the students received their diplomas and made their parting speeches, they were overwhelmed with emotion.  I sat there, wondering why these young adults would bother getting so worked up when there wasn’t a single national television station covering the event.  Of course, the students blamed their tears on cliche excuses, like saying goodbye to close friends, not knowing when their paths would cross again, and finally achieving their “lofty” goals.  I instantly saw through the charade.  You can’t pull one over on me, Seth Rogen!  These students were actually crying because something was missing from their graduation.

I have always prided myself on my ability to read others.  Though an actress by day, one might say that I am an amateur psychologist by night.  You pick up a few things here and there when you commiserate about your mother with a sister that studies psychology. 

So, while sitting in the back of the auditorium, it suddenly dawned on me.  I knew what they were thinking.  They were thinking, “Debbie Singer let us down.”  I was overcome by a wave of guilt.

It was all my fault, Seth Rogen! How could I be so obtuse? These students were crying because I had completely forgotten to invite you to the graduation!  Thinking back, it should have been so obvious.  One of my sister’s friends even asked me if I expected you to show up.  He then laughed uncontrollably, clearly giddy at just the thought of meeting you.  I feel such remorse for not telling you about my sister’s “big day.”  Not just because it would have made those graduates’ day, but because I think you would actually like my sister.  Despite her simplicity, you two have much in common.  You both have curly hair, and you both are dear to my heart.  Surely friendships have been built on less. 

While I cannot undo this past weekend’s blunder, I ask that you do not punish my sister for my short-sightedness.  Please know that it was I who didn’t think to invite you to the graduation, not my sister.  I acted alone.  I hope you will accept this apology, and not slight her on her next big day.  She will make a beautiful bride this summer, and I know I speak for the entire family when I say we would love to see you there. 

Until then…

Debbie

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You must be exhilarated by the recent announcement that good friend and confidant, Judd Apatow, will be producing “Wanderlust,” a new film starring your old buddy, Paul Rudd, and directed by David Wain.  My guess is, with so many of your friends working on the project, there is going to be a role for you on the film as well!!!  Seth Rogen, with no less than six other films in production, you are certainly going to be one busy bee.

You are not the only one, Seth Rogen, with such a close connection to the filmmakers.  I too have an intimate tie to the project.  You see, my hair dresser’s sister worked with David Wain on one of his prior films.  Can you believe it?  It seems that once more, fate has brought the two of us together.   I have little doubt that my close connection to director David Wain will result in a role for me in the film.  As it turns out, we will both be busy bees this fall.  It is about time we finally worked together, Seth Rogen, don’t you think? 

There is one drawback.  And this is the part I hate about the cut throat business we work in.  You see, Seth Rogen, the female lead has been promised to Jennifer Aniston, an acting peer who (like me) has suffered through years of rhinoplasty rumors. 

I happen to be a big Aniston fan.  I watched all her episodes of Friends.  I even saw her first movie Leprechaun when I rented it by mistake one Halloween. 

Unfortunately, not everyone loves Jennifer the way I do.  Many fans and bloggers are starting to get a little disgruntled with Aniston’s overexposure on the romantic comedy front.  In the past, a studio would balk at such grumblings, but in today’s economy, I fear Universal may give in to the demands of the online community.  As you can imagine, Seth Rogen, with you and I being so close, I do fear that the producers will feel obligated to bump Aniston and give me her part.   I assure you this is not what I am after.  I am sure there are enough female parts to go around.   I personally can’t wait to work with you, and I can’t wait to be brought into the Apatow Family (which I hear is like Jon & Kate Plus 8, except more Jewish), but I wouldn’t want to risk offending Jennifer.  

What should I do when Judd and Rudd offer me the role, Seth Rogen?   I’m stuck between a Rudd and hard place. L.O.L. 

Until then…

Debbie