Dear Seth Rogen

The other morning, there was a woman dressed in rags sitting on the curb outside my neighborhood Whole Foods holding a sign that read, “Your Fortune For Food.” Normally I am not one to buy into psychic psychobabble, but this woman was different than most that claim clairvoyance.  You see, Seth Rogen, as I trotted along, she called out, “I’m a psychic to the stars!”  Naturally, being a rising star myself, I could not ignore the coincidence.  As you know, it is not often that a psychic of the stars is as available as this woman.  I took it as a sign. 

So, I handed the psychic my Luna Bar and organic acai berry smoothie and sat down by the garbage cans.  After a long hard look into my eyes, and long hard sip of my smoothie, Glenda (as she later introduced herself) told me, “You will be faced with a new career opportunity.”

At first, I hadn’t any idea what Glenda was referring to.  At the rate I am going, what would I even do with a new career opportunity?  I’d probably have to turn it down with my busy schedule and all.  Then, just hours later, it all began to fall into place. 

That afternoon, I made a post surgery follow up visit to my gynecologist.   It was there that I discovered my gynecologist has taken to teaching. No, I do not want to be a teacher, Seth Rogen, although that is a valid guess based on the way I have structured this paragraph thus far.  During this exam, my doctor brought in an intern to take a look.  Always an advocate of education, I allowed it.  The intern sat down on the rolling stool, faced my furry taco, squinted, explored, then spoke these life-changing words, “You have a beautiful cervix.”

Well, Seth Rogen, to be honest, I haven’t seen that many cervixes.  What would make mine any more beautiful that someone else’s, like your mother’s for instance?  The intern handed me a mirror to take a look for myself.  I must tell you, Seth Rogen, truer words have never been stated.  I lost myself in the image within myself.  Never had I seen such beauty, as in that pink doughnut that was reflected back at me. 
 

Well, Seth Rogen, I’m sure it is pretty obvious by now what my new career opportunity is.  I am going to become a Cervix model! I tried to call my agent to tell him of my new discovery and have him book me my first cervix gig, but my call went directly to voicemail.  He says he has terrible reception in his home office.  So, upon arriving home, I sat at my computer and searched for cervix model gigs on my own.  Guess what? I found the perfect thing.  You’ve probably already heard of the Beautiful Cervix Project, a website that displays images of the cervix to help women understand the cycles of cervical change.  I have no doubt that my beautiful cervix will be useful to the Beautiful Cervix Project.  I can’t wait to hear back from them.  

Seth Rogen, I am now a triple threat, as the industry likes to call it.  I can act, sing, and model my cervix.  Thanks to me, all the women in this world (with internet access) will know what a perfect cervix should look like.  It is my duty to share my cervix with the world.  Otherwise, Glenda’s prophecy will go unrealized. 

Seth Rogen, do you have a body part you feel could help others?  A body part that you could model?  Possibly your eyes, or your knuckles, or your prostate?  If so, do you have talent representation for that specific body part? Because I’m afraid my agent doesn’t have a lot of experience in this department.  If you don’t mind, Seth Rogen, I’d like to use you as a reference when contacting them about my cervix.

Until then…

Debbie

Become a fan on Facebook.     Follow on Twitter.

I am so excited that you and Billy Joel are coming to my one-woman show.  I am saving a seat for both of you up front.  And be careful, my show does call for audience participation. L.O.L

To be honest, Seth Rogen, I am a little worried.  My show has music videos that pay homage to hit songs of the past.  However, even though I am a huge BJ fan (I’ve been told I have taste in music like a middle aged white man), none of my music videos pay tribute to the icon that is Billy Joel.  When Bill comes on May 6th (or 7th), I fear he will feel slighted. 

He shouldn’t, Seth Rogen.  The show’s music videos, while paying tribute to some very popular hit songs, come nowhere close to the caliber of sweet music that BJ creates.  Seriously, Seth Rogen.   One video is a remake of “To the Left” by Beyonce. 

Another is a remake of “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac.  The last, a remake of “I’ll Be” by some country singer.  A hit, maybe, but let’s face it, all country sounds the same.

Seth Rogen,  do you think that when Billy Joel is sitting in the front row of The Spotlight Comedy Club and watching me perform, “The Three Year Plan; How to Marry a Man in 1,095 Days,” he will ask himself, “Why no Billy Joel songs?”  Yup.  That’s what I thought.  And so, I have decided to write the rest of this letter to you as an homage to Billy Joel.  Please read the rest of it in rhythm to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”- one of BJ’s best, due to the fact that it is not only catchy, but educational.  I know you will pass along the message to him.  Can’t wait to see you both at the show. 

Back before I was a star                                                                                              People said I would go far.                      
Even as a little child
My talent was far from mild.

Things were not handed to me
It was difficult you see.
There were things to overcome
My dad’s a Libertarian.

Chorus:
I didn’t start the laughter.
There were always smiles
That went on for miles.
I didn’t start the laughter.
But the seed was planted,
And my wish was granted.

As I came into my own
My humor became well know.
People came out to my shows.
Popularity- it grows.

Seth, I don’t have to tell you
Vagina jokes, I wrote a few
About the gynecologist.
Let’s not repeat, you get the gist.
 
Then one day someone said to me
“Deb, more of you we’d like to see.”
I really do not know why
My fans talk like that Yoda guy.

Chorus

So what I set out to do
Is put on a big show for you.
About a Three Year Plan
Where I set out to get a Man.

The first run was a huge success.
I even wore a wedding dress.
The fans were faced with such delight
I brought it back another night.

What this show has done for me
Is made me a celebrity.
Always talking to my fans.
Smiling and shaking hands.

Chorus



Until then…


Debbie

I am in the midst of an unseemly medical mystery. In times like this, having a father who is a doctor comes in handy.  It is especially helpful that my father is a doctor of medicine, as opposed to one of the many other fields that might bestow a doctorate degree.  I’m not saying that other types of doctors are any less important.  I’m just saying I wouldn’t ask former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay (University of Houston, PhD) for health advice.

Of course, my MD father and I do not always see eye to eye.  For years, we battled about whether or not a comb over is a convincing form of deception.  I won that battle in June of 2002, when my father finally faced reality (and his barber), having his comb over permanently removed.  Despite our different fashion aesthetic, when it comes to medical advice, I put faith in my father’s expertise.  When a medical issue arises, my Libertarian father is always the first person I call.

But there is a problem, Seth Rogen.  This particular medical issue is of the feminine nature.  Talking to your father about botheration in your box is uncouth no matter how you spin it.  It’s not as if I were talking to you, Seth Rogen.  You, I feel I can tell anything.   I do hope the feeling is mutual.  My father, however, has been voted among the top doctors in Arizona.  It was only natural for me to call him first.  I’m sure you understand.

Our phone call was short, Seth Rogen.  Discussing the temperament of my nether regions with my Libertarian father made for an especially uncomfortable conversation.  The only discomfort I can compare it to might be the discomfort I am currently seeking medical attention for.  The conversation culminated in my father yelling in exasperation, “Debbie, this is not my field.  Go see your gynecologist!”

Honestly, Seth Rogen, I was shocked.  My dad has always said I could tell him anything. Not to mention he will hear about it eventually, as my gynecologist is his best friend.  I’m sure they talk about that sort of thing by the water cooler.  Or during their Friday evening card game.

Oh well, this too shall pass.  Off to the pharmacy. Hope I’m feeling better by the time I see you on Tuesday at the House of Blues.  Don’t forget, it’s in the Foundation Room. We can swap gyno stories with Jeff Garlin.  I bet he has some great ones.  It will be such fun.  Can’t wait to see you there, Seth Rogen.

Until then…