Dear Seth Rogen,
When I was a wee child, I had a goldfish that I loved very much. My love for said goldfish inspired me to name him or her Grover. You may not understand the meaning behind the name Grover, being from the far off land of Canada. I’m not sure if they even had television in Canada when you were growing up, let alone the critically acclaimed children’s series called Sesame Street. Anyhow, Grover was cute, he was cuddly, he rarely used contractions, he was sexually ambiguous and he was always there when I needed him, just like that blue Muppet on Sesame Street.
I bring Grover to your attention, Seth Rogen, because I have recently been made aware of a fabulous discovery that has validated my long standing relationship with this aquatic companion. You see, many years ago (but not that many years ago), I came home from a long day at preschool to discover Grover in an inanimate state, belly up in the fish bowl. I was horrified of course, but before I had a chance to cry my mother simply explained to me that Grover was sleeping. The next day I came home from school and Grover was once again swimming merrily (assuming back and forth over a six inch span is merrily) in his or her glass bowl. However, after hours of astute observation, I realized there was one peculiar difference… Grover was smaller. I called my mom into my room, pointed to the fish, and boldly declared, “Mommy, Grover shrank!” My mom looked at me, the fish, and back at me, and said, “I think you’re right.”
Over the years Grover continued to shrink and sometimes grow and then shrink again every few months, almost always after taking one of his long naps. Recently, my little sister, who is now a psychiatrist or a psychologist, had the nerve to try and convince me that Grover had actually died during those long naps. She thinks that our mother, not wanting to burden me with a fear of death, flushed my beloved Grover (or Grovers) down the toilet, ran out to the nearest pet store, and bought a replacement. Naturally, these words were hard for me to hear from my jealous sister and for a moment I even believed her. As an actor, I can imagine you would want to put yourself in my place. Of course, the magnitude of that temporary loss was so large, I’m not even sure an actor of your skill level could fully take on the weight of it. Just imagine if the being you thought was your best friend for your entire life was actually an illusion. It would be like finding out that yours and my relationship was all in my head.
Well, the grieving didn’t last long, because I soon debunked my sister’s erroneous hypothesis. While getting drunk on amaretto ice cream and reading the top headlines on Yahoo! news, I accidentally clicked on the “Science” tab. It was there on the seldom read science page that I made the fabulous discovery that I spoke of in paragraph 2, line 1 of this letter. I learned that animals are shrinking! That’s right, Seth Rogen. As it turns out, many living organisms will shrink thanks to a host of changes in the environment, the result of human caused climate change, also known as “Global Warming.” The point is, Grover is a happy and healthy thirty year old goldfish that has been subject to the shrinking effects of global warming.
Well, the grieving didn’t last long, because I soon debunked my sister’s erroneous hypothesis. While getting drunk on amaretto ice cream and reading the top headlines on Yahoo! news, I accidentally clicked on the “Science” tab. It was there on the seldom read science page that I made the fabulous discovery that I spoke of in paragraph 2, line 1 of this letter. I learned that animals are shrinking! That’s right, Seth Rogen. As it turns out, many living organisms will shrink thanks to a host of changes in the environment, the result of human caused climate change, also known as “Global Warming.” The point is, Grover is a happy and healthy thirty year old goldfish that has been subject to the shrinking effects of global warming.
Now, if everything shrank at the same rate, this wouldn’t be a problem. Smaller plants would feed smaller fish, which would feed smaller sharks, and so on and so on. Unfortunately, not all organisms react at the same rate, so the change is likely to throw our ecosystem out of whack, putting some species at high risk of extinction. Boy oh boy, Seth Rogen. All that reading about global warming left me feeling discouraged, disheartened, confused and constipated. The transition off of summer fruits has been tough on my digestive system.
I did some more research in my own home, and as it turns out, Grover isn’t the only “living organism” affected by global warming. My Toy Fox Terrier, Shebbie Dog, has lost 0.03 lbs in the last week, and my Chihuahua Terrier mix, Babbu, lost 0.025. My psychiatrist or psychologist sister insists that it is due to an increase in their exercise (dog park 4 times this week) and a decrease in their caloric intake. I, however, know that she is wrong. Obviously as the dogs have been outside more, in this harsh “Global Warming” climate, they have begun to shrink, and are now at risk of their own extinction! I’ve decided to stop taking them on walks all together, and am training them to use “Wee Pads” in lieu of a our neighbor’s grass.
I did some more research in my own home, and as it turns out, Grover isn’t the only “living organism” affected by global warming. My Toy Fox Terrier, Shebbie Dog, has lost 0.03 lbs in the last week, and my Chihuahua Terrier mix, Babbu, lost 0.025. My psychiatrist or psychologist sister insists that it is due to an increase in their exercise (dog park 4 times this week) and a decrease in their caloric intake. I, however, know that she is wrong. Obviously as the dogs have been outside more, in this harsh “Global Warming” climate, they have begun to shrink, and are now at risk of their own extinction! I’ve decided to stop taking them on walks all together, and am training them to use “Wee Pads” in lieu of a our neighbor’s grass.
Seth Rogen, what should we do? Do you think we are shrinking because of global warming? If so, can we choose what body parts to shrink faster than others? Do you think my head is shrinking? I am told that the most famous actors have the largest heads. You must have a big head, Seth Rogen. I once saw John Cusack’s head and it was sickeningly disproportionate to his body. I hope my body shrinks so my head is as big as John Cusack’s.
Until then…
Debbie
