Dear Seth Rogen,
The other morning, there was a woman dressed in rags sitting on the curb outside my neighborhood Whole Foods holding a sign that read, “Your Fortune For Food.” Normally I am not one to buy into psychic psychobabble, but this woman was different than most that claim clairvoyance. You see, Seth Rogen, as I trotted along, she called out, “I’m a psychic to the stars!” Naturally, being a rising star myself, I could not ignore the coincidence. As you know, it is not often that a psychic of the stars is as available as this woman. I took it as a sign.
So, I handed the psychic my Luna Bar and organic acai berry smoothie and sat down by the garbage cans. After a long hard look into my eyes, and long hard sip of my smoothie, Glenda (as she later introduced herself) told me, “You will be faced with a new career opportunity.”
At first, I hadn’t any idea what Glenda was referring to. At the rate I am going, what would I even do with a new career opportunity? I’d probably have to turn it down with my busy schedule and all. Then, just hours later, it all began to fall into place.
That afternoon, I made a post surgery follow up visit to my gynecologist. It was there that I discovered my gynecologist has taken to teaching. No, I do not want to be a teacher, Seth Rogen, although that is a valid guess based on the way I have structured this paragraph thus far. During this exam, my doctor brought in an intern to take a look. Always an advocate of education, I allowed it. The intern sat down on the rolling stool, faced my furry taco, squinted, explored, then spoke these life-changing words, “You have a beautiful cervix.”
Well, Seth Rogen, to be honest, I haven’t seen that many cervixes. What would make mine any more beautiful that someone else’s, like your mother’s for instance? The intern handed me a mirror to take a look for myself. I must tell you, Seth Rogen, truer words have never been stated. I lost myself in the image within myself. Never had I seen such beauty, as in that pink doughnut that was reflected back at me.
Well, Seth Rogen, I’m sure it is pretty obvious by now what my new career opportunity is. I am going to become a Cervix model! I tried to call my agent to tell him of my new discovery and have him book me my first cervix gig, but my call went directly to voicemail. He says he has terrible reception in his home office. So, upon arriving home, I sat at my computer and searched for cervix model gigs on my own. Guess what? I found the perfect thing. You’ve probably already heard of the Beautiful Cervix Project, a website that displays images of the cervix to help women understand the cycles of cervical change. I have no doubt that my beautiful cervix will be useful to the Beautiful Cervix Project. I can’t wait to hear back from them.
Seth Rogen, I am now a triple threat, as the industry likes to call it. I can act, sing, and model my cervix. Thanks to me, all the women in this world (with internet access) will know what a perfect cervix should look like. It is my duty to share my cervix with the world. Otherwise, Glenda’s prophecy will go unrealized.
Seth Rogen, do you have a body part you feel could help others? A body part that you could model? Possibly your eyes, or your knuckles, or your prostate? If so, do you have talent representation for that specific body part? Because I’m afraid my agent doesn’t have a lot of experience in this department. If you don’t mind, Seth Rogen, I’d like to use you as a reference when contacting them about my cervix.
Until then…
Debbie
