Dear Seth Rogen,
I’m afraid I have a celebrity stalker. I’ve heard tales of celebrity stalkers on prestigious news programs such as TMZ and The Insider, but I never imagined I would be a stalkee. The craziest part, Seth Rogen… I am being stalked by another celebrity! Yup, a celebrity celebrity stalker. What are the odds?
My story begins a few months back, when I was just a fetus of a celebrity, forcefully kicking in the womb of mother Hollywood. It was a regular Sunday afternoon, and I was preparing for a hike with my dogs and my friend, Karla. I was purchasing sandwiches at the nearby Whole Foods when I saw what looked like Kristen Davis (Charlotte from Sex and the City) buying a small fern, one of my favorite plants. Her large sunglasses made it tough to identify her, so I followed her to her car. Still, I couldn’t be sure, so I hopped in my Prius and followed her home. Miraculously, when she got out of her car, her sunglasses caught a fern branch and fell to the ground. I was right. It was Kristen Davis!
Naturally, I waited outside her house to catch another glimpse. When she didn’t return, I left an anonymous note outside her door letting her know that I thought a fern was an excellent purchase and would make a nice addition to any living room.
But, Seth Rogen, Kristen Davis is not my celebrity celebrity stalker. I only mention KD because the time I spent with her made me late for my hike in the Santa Monica Mountains, which subsequently made me come into contact with my real celebrity celebrity stalker. You see, being late for the hike with Karla and the dogs meant that the sun was setting by the time we reached the peak. Fearing a bloody death at the paws of a coyote, Karla and I rushed down the mountain. We were surprised to see how quickly we found ourselves back at the parking lot… only to find we were at an entirely different and abandoned parking lot. Somehow we made a wrong turn. We had no idea where my car was, and now that it was dark, we wouldn’t dare reenter the forest.
So, we followed the pavement to a nearby road. Karla suggested we hitchhike, but I told her I generally don’t approve of taking rides from strangers. Karla, who is from Nicaragua, reminded me that hitchhiking is perfectly acceptable in Europe. Just as I was reminding Karla of every single horror movie ever made, a black SUV slowed down and pulled up beside us. I thought to myself, “This could be the end.” I wondered if I would be remembered like the other ingénues taken before their time: James Dean, Heath Ledger, Shirley Temple. I concluded that, yes, I most likely would.
But, Seth Rogen, the driver of this SUV was not a serial killer. The window rolled down and beautiful blonde flowing locks emerged. It was none other than the embodiment of the fountain of youth, dynamic actress and environmental crusader, Daryl Hannah. She offered us a ride in her biofuel-powered vehicle. Knowing that you can always trust someone you’ve seen on TV, I quickly jumped in.
Daryl Hannah drove us around for quite a while as we searched for my car. We joked about the time she was arrested for spending three weeks in a tree to protest the destruction of a public garden and how it was similar to the time I climbed a tree to get a better view of Kristen Davis’ living room. We all laughed. It was a jolly good time. It seemed that Daryl Hannah proved Karla was right; it’s ok to hitchhike sometimes. Then I thought, “Wait.” Could it really have been pure coincidence that Daryl Hannah found us on this country road? Or had this Guerilla Gardener been following us? Was Daryl Hannah stalking me, Seth Rogen?
At first, I gave my celebrity celebrity stalker the benefit of the doubt. She was most likely just a Good Samaritan, patrolling the roads of Santa Monica for lost women and their pets. Then, a couple months later, my girlfriend Shiri saw Daryl Hannah at a concert at the House of Blues. I was supposed to be at the concert, Seth Rogen, but I got caught up outside Kristen Davis’ house. Shiri mentioned me to Daryl and, as it turns out, Daryl totally remembered our interaction. She even asked about my dogs! My suspicion was growing.
Then, last week, strike three! I put my cell phone in the washing machine and had to go to the AT&T store to get a new one. Guess who was there? That’s right, Daryl Hannah! She looked right at me and said, “What’s wrong with YOUR phone?” What are the odds that this reclusive, organic farming celebrity would be at three separate places that I (or someone that I know) am at within one year? There’s no doubt, Seth Rogen, Daryl Hannah is my celebrity celebrity stalker.
Seth Rogen, I don’t know what to do. I must admit, I’m afraid… although, I do respect Daryl’s work in such classic films as Splash and the more recent Kill Bill volumes I&II. I wonder what Kristen Davis would do if she had a stalker.
I’d rather not involve the authorities at this point. We can discuss what to do at my show this Saturday night at The Spotlight Comedy Club. Show starts at 7:30pm. 12215 Ventura Blvd., Ste 209, Studio City. Oh, if you happen to run into Daryl, don’t mention me.
Until then…
