Dear Seth Rogen

I am so excited that you and Billy Joel are coming to my one-woman show.  I am saving a seat for both of you up front.  And be careful, my show does call for audience participation. L.O.L

To be honest, Seth Rogen, I am a little worried.  My show has music videos that pay homage to hit songs of the past.  However, even though I am a huge BJ fan (I’ve been told I have taste in music like a middle aged white man), none of my music videos pay tribute to the icon that is Billy Joel.  When Bill comes on May 6th (or 7th), I fear he will feel slighted. 

He shouldn’t, Seth Rogen.  The show’s music videos, while paying tribute to some very popular hit songs, come nowhere close to the caliber of sweet music that BJ creates.  Seriously, Seth Rogen.   One video is a remake of “To the Left” by Beyonce. 

Another is a remake of “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac.  The last, a remake of “I’ll Be” by some country singer.  A hit, maybe, but let’s face it, all country sounds the same.

Seth Rogen,  do you think that when Billy Joel is sitting in the front row of The Spotlight Comedy Club and watching me perform, “The Three Year Plan; How to Marry a Man in 1,095 Days,” he will ask himself, “Why no Billy Joel songs?”  Yup.  That’s what I thought.  And so, I have decided to write the rest of this letter to you as an homage to Billy Joel.  Please read the rest of it in rhythm to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”- one of BJ’s best, due to the fact that it is not only catchy, but educational.  I know you will pass along the message to him.  Can’t wait to see you both at the show. 

Back before I was a star                                                                                              People said I would go far.                      
Even as a little child
My talent was far from mild.

Things were not handed to me
It was difficult you see.
There were things to overcome
My dad’s a Libertarian.

Chorus:
I didn’t start the laughter.
There were always smiles
That went on for miles.
I didn’t start the laughter.
But the seed was planted,
And my wish was granted.

As I came into my own
My humor became well know.
People came out to my shows.
Popularity- it grows.

Seth, I don’t have to tell you
Vagina jokes, I wrote a few
About the gynecologist.
Let’s not repeat, you get the gist.
 
Then one day someone said to me
“Deb, more of you we’d like to see.”
I really do not know why
My fans talk like that Yoda guy.

Chorus

So what I set out to do
Is put on a big show for you.
About a Three Year Plan
Where I set out to get a Man.

The first run was a huge success.
I even wore a wedding dress.
The fans were faced with such delight
I brought it back another night.

What this show has done for me
Is made me a celebrity.
Always talking to my fans.
Smiling and shaking hands.

Chorus



Until then…


Debbie

I remember when Facebook used to be about camaraderie.  In the past, the post, “Debbie is grumpy cause she’s working late on a Friday,” would be met with the friendly response, “I’m grumpy and working late, too!”  Or, “Working late sucks!”  Or, “Stick it to the Man!”  People united on this social networking site. 

But the times, they are a changin’.  Today’s facebook is overrun by impersonal invitations to shows, events, groups and fan clubs.  Worse, it seems everyone on facebook has a blog to promote.  Are we really supposed to read them all?  I like to be supportive of my friends, but it is starting to get ridiculous. 

And so, with the advent of this more detached social network, a new type of facebook user has been born.  This user yearns for the olden days, but is drowned out by the blog posts and youtube links.  This user is what I call, “The Fisher.”  I truly feel sorry for  “The Fisher.”  “Fishers” are lonely souls.  In order to be noticed, they leave open-ended wall posts, fishing for a response, searching for a heartbeat from the online world.  A “Fisher” might post,  “Robert is feeling something.” This begs the question, “What?  What are you feeling, Robert?  Is it peevish?  Timid or thrilled?  Nauseous or pensive?  Perhaps you are chilly?”  Like a fish to bait, we are hooked.  To avoid spending hours guessing, we are forced to comment, “What is it, Robert?  What are you feeling?” 

Seth Rogen, I want facebook to feel intimate again.  Facebook has become a personal PR firm and wading through an endless sea of self-promotion is exhausting.  I want to see people for who they really are, not the false image they carefully crafted for the public.  What do you think, Seth Rogen?  Are you tired of seeing people post their blogs or try to sell you tickets to an upcoming show?  I swear, I don’t know what I’ll do if I see one more facebook post promoting an upcoming event. 

We can talk about it after my shows on May 6th and 7th.  They are going to be so great!  I can’t believe I get a two night run this time at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  I hope you got your tickets reserved in advance at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.  The underground parking is free!  There is a full bar and food available.  I do love to eat!  It is really going to be an extravagant extravaganza!  Oh!  Please tell Billy Joel about the show.  I would love it if he could make it out for one of the performances.  Did I tell you the show has never before seen videos?  Well, it does. 

Oh, Seth Rogen, I wish the rest of the world were as honest as we are.  You mean the world to me.  See you at the show. 

Until then…

Debbie

It happens to every celebrity sooner or later.  It’s no surprise that it’s happening to me now.  With the stupendous reception of my one-woman show and my meteoric rise to fame, the timing is perfect.  That’s right, Seth Rogen, tomorrow morning I’m checking into the hospital.  Of course, I won’t be the first red head starlet to do so.  Just look at Lindsay Lohan.  Her skyrocket to superstardom was more than she could handle.   I think we can both relate to what that poor girl had to go through.

My therapist says it’s important to have compassion for others and their struggles.  Aside from Billy Joel, my therapist is the smartest person I know.  When I first began seeing my therapist, I told her that there was nothing wrong with me, except for my eating disorder.  Thanks to therapy, I now know I also suffer from low self-esteem.

But I’m not checking into the hospital for low self-esteem.  As it turns out, my endometrial cells are growing even faster than my career.  L.O.L.  I don’t want you to be alarmed, Seth Rogen, but you should know there is a small possibility that this procedure could leave me infertile.  Not to worry, I can always adopt.  In fact, that was already the next logical step on my journey to superstardom.  I’ve always said that if I have a boy I would name him Archibald, after Cary Grant.  A girl, Debbie Jr.   But if I were indeed barren, then I would name my adopted son, Baron.   I’d explain the deep meaning behind his name when he came of age.  And if I adopted a girl, Debbie Jr.  Then again, the name “Seth” makes a pretty strong case for itself these days.  It’s unisex, right?

You know what’s strange about being a celebrity and checking into a hospital, Seth Rogen?  The sudden outreach from the FANS.  Within seconds of the announcement, my biggest fan had booked a flight to come and care for me post op.  I tried to tell my mom that it really wasn’t necessary, but you know fans.  She insisted. 

Seth Rogen, what should I do?  If I let her cook me “get well meals” and clean my apartment, am I setting a precedent?  Will all future fans feel it is ok to do the same?  My therapist says it’s ok to set some boundaries.  She also says family is important.  I need your advice now more than ever.

Until then…

Debbie

I’m exhausted. My days and nights have been spent analyzing photographs. Photo analysis isn’t a typical hobby of mine, but I recently hosted a murder mystery dinner party.  I’m sure my dad’s friend’s friend forwarded you the invitation. The theme was Lights! Camera! Murder!  (©nightofmystery.com) It was really quite decadent, Seth Rogen.

The dinner party was a post-Oscar potluck. We were all assigned fictional characters. I was Miss Vanity Affair, a millionaire vying for the spotlight since childhood. Ever since my fictional parents died five years ago and left me their fortune, I have been throwing the most elite Hollywood Oscar parties. Anyone who is anyone is in attendance. That’s why I invited you, Seth Rogen!

Well, part way through the night the murder took place. The guests and I spent the rest of the evening sleuthing in an attempt to uncover the murderer. All this sleuthing got my mind racing and then it dawned on me. Seth Rogen, you were most likely at my Oscar party without me even knowing it. All the guests came in costume and introduced themselves as their murder mystery alias. A talented actor like you would never have broken character. So, this is why I have spent so much time analyzing and reanalyzing the photos. Were you M.C. Award? J.J. Scoop? Young Starlet, perhaps? Could you have been the murderer himself? Come to think of it, could Billy Joel have been there?

Whomever you were, you were rather convincing because I can’t seem to spot you in the pictures. You must have been able to raid the wardrobe of some old movie sets, huh, Seth Rogen? Great costume. Wasn’t the party just to die for? L.O.L. I’m thinking of signing up for a photo analysis course.

Until then…

Debbie

It dawned on me over my sister’s famous dessert, pkumpkin-pkie-pcake.  I told you to take the 52 Freeway.  I have been told I am not great with directions.  The thing is, my parents live off the 51 Freeway.  My bad.  For all I know, you and Billy Joel are stuck in the desert somewhere, sucking water from saguaro cacti.  As a Jew, you probably don’t know much about the outdoors.  The old western films would have you believe that you can open a cactus and drink its water.  Don’t do it, Seth Rogen.  The truth is, you sucking on a cactus will make your tongue swell.  You could get sick and possibly die.  Hope you brought a canteen. 

Although you were unable to join us for our Turkish festivities (and by Turkish I mean on the day of the Turkey, not origination from the country Turkey), you were in our hearts.  In fact, thanks to you, my family was able to rekindle some of our Jewish heritage. We poured you a glass of wine.  We said a prayer in your honor.  Baruch Atah Adonai. We even left the door ajar despite my mom’s constant fear that the cats would escape.  Seth Rogen, you were my family’s Elijah, and Thanksgiving became like Passover.  You are a miracle worker, Seth Rogen.  You found a way to reunite my family in the Jewish faith without even being there.  It was as if your Thanksgiving blessing passed over my house.  L.O.L. Ultimately, we decided to lock the cats in the bathroom.

I do hope you are not stranded on the side of the road somewhere trying to find your way to my house.  Just come to the shows at The Comedy Spot tonight and tomorrow night at 8pm. 

Thank you for everything you do, Seth Rogen.  Shalom.

Until then…

Debbie

I was at The Hollywood Improv on Sunday night, thinking, “Where oh where is Seth Rogen?” Being a very big show, I knew that you would want to be there for support. Naturally, my mind started racing… Is he injured? Sick? Mugged? Did he convert to Catholicism and decide to keep holy the Sabbath?

Then, I saw Robin Williams arrive and I quickly realized that you must have sent him in your place to see me. I actually had no idea that the two of you were such good friends. And of course, I now realize that you didn’t join Robin on Sunday night because you knew that two mega superstars at the Improv would have created an uproar that could have debilitated the show. You are always looking out for others, Seth Rogen.

As if we didn’t have enough in common, Sunday’s show gave us another similarity. You see, Robin Williams showed up unannounced and he went up just before me. Do you remember (in the hit film, “Funny People”) when Adam Sandler showed up unannounced and performed just before you? He then helped your career by paying you to write his jokes. Well, this was just like “Funny People,” except without the joke writing, the career making, or the terminal illness plot that conveniently solved itself.

The whole experience was exhilarating, Seth Rogen! Did you know that I would do so well, despite performing after a comedy icon? Obviously you knew I would or you wouldn’t have sent him, L.O.L. Do you think it is more difficult for a comedian to follow Robin Williams or a musician to follow Billy Joel?

Speaking of Billy Joel, any word on whether he’s going to make it out for Thanksgiving?

Until then…

Debbie

I am so sorry you were unable to make it to my show this past Friday. I understand Friday nights can be difficult, especially with all the traffic here in LA. Plus, I’m sure the news this week kept you glued to the television set. I was almost late for my own show at the Spotlight Comedy Club because I couldn’t tear myself away from the balloon boy aftermath coverage. I’ve always been a sucker for a good “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” felony story.

My concern, Seth Rogen, is that balloon boy has done irreparable damage to our great country. Will America now live in fear of balloons? America has always been a country where a balloon equals happiness. Go to a fair - buy a balloon. If you’re a good kid at the dentist, what do you get? A lollipop? No, silly, that’s bad for your teeth. You get a balloon. How will the balloon boy fallout affect the future of America, and more importantly, this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

Thanksgiving is really all about family. And also food. My mom is a horrible cook 364 days of the year (365 on a Leap Year). But she pulls it together nicely for Thanksgiving. We have all the traditional dishes: turkey, stuffing, yams, cornbread, pumpkin pie, and latkes.

Oh, did my dad’s friend’s friend tell your parents to tell you that you were invited to Thanksgiving? You don’t have to bring anything. It’s nothing fancy, just some family and friends. Do you know Billy Joel? I’ve always wanted him at my Thanksgiving dinner table. My friends tell me that I have taste in music like a middle aged white man. L.O.L. Well, if you know him, will you invite him?

Since you couldn’t make it on Friday, I’m assuming you’ll be dropping by tonight to the C Word show in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store on Sunset Blvd. Show starts at 7:05pm. I can’t wait to see you there, Seth Rogen. Giddy with anticipation. Until then…

Debbie