Dear Seth Rogen

Wow! You really do come through for your friends.  Your latest act of good will thrust in my direction has certainly made my winter.  I mean, I just can’t thank you enough for convincing Samm Levine to star along side me in OB/GY ANNE, the hilarious sitcom pilot I just shot!  And you are so modest, Seth Rogen.  You never once mentioned to me that you’d be getting in touch with Samm. 

Even Samm downplayed your role in the whole thing, saying the two of you haven’t really spoken since “Freaks and Geeks” and that he only agreed to do my pilot because he is good friends with fellow OB/GY ANNE star, Jim Turner.   Jim plays Dr. Valentine, my character’s gynecologist and handsome father figure.  Viewers will recognize Jim from HBO’s “Arli$$.” He’s the one in the way way back of the photo.

I thought maybe you were the one that convinced Mr. Turner to do the pilot, but Jim says that he is only doing the show because he plays basketball with the director on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings and it would have been awkward to say no. 

Don’t worry, Seth Rogen.  I know Jim and Samm are just protecting you.  I can go along with the story. Obviously, Seth Rogen, you and I have a special connection.  You wouldn’t send Samm Levine to go work on any old project that a friend of your parent’s friend’s friend was working on.  And you don’t want friends of your parents’ friend’s friends coming out of the woodwork.  Your secret is safe with me ;)

I do hope that we will see you at the premiere on March 12th.  We have rented a theater for the event and plan to serve fancy things, like sesame crackers with crab salad, smoked meats, and red pepper hummus.  Oh, Seth Rogen, I feel like such a starlet.  I even got a stylist for the event, just like any other A-list celebrity.  I have watched the Rachel Zoe show on Bravo, and was pretty excited to work with the stylist of the stars.  Naturally, when I called her office to book the appointment, I was met with laughter.  I have to admit, Seth Rogen, the uncontrollable chortling on the other end brought a huge smile to my face.  My humor is becoming so universal that the mere mention of my name brought a wealth of merriment to Zoe’s assistant.  Alas, Seth Rogen, there appeared to be something wrong with Zoe’s phone, as I was abruptly interrupted by a dial tone.  When I called back, just as someone seemed to pick up, I again was disconnected.  I fear that with such a bad phone line, Rachel Zoe’s business may suffer.

In the meantime, I did what was necessary, and found another stylist.  She is not nearly as famous.  In fact, I am her first client, but so far my neighbor has really seemed up to the task.  She took me shopping for a dress, and rather than payment, I babysat her child while she ran some errands.  As it turns out, she needed to get her nails done, get a spray tan, plus stop at Whole Foods for a gallon of soymilk.  It works out for the best, because not only did I get a great dress, but I also allowed my stylist to help stimulate the economy.  My dad, the libertarian physician, agreed with my choice in stylists, saying President Reagan would have been proud to see me administer the “trickle down theory.”   It feels good to give back to the community.  Still, I hope that by the next time I need a stylist, Rachel Zoe’s phone will be fixed. 

Oh, Seth Rogen, I can’t wait for you to see the show.  I know I’ll see you at the big premier!  All the details are on the facebook invite.  I’m sure Samm Levine made sure you got it.  Don’t forget to RSVP!!! 

Until then…

Debbie

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My mother has always stressed the importance of skin care.  Every time she visits, she brings me obscene amounts of dermatological merchandise.  A serum for the eyes, an ointment for the lips, a balm for the smile lines, and a specially formulated nighttime repair salve.   Plus, the “free gift with purchase” lipstick.  With a wrinkle free wink, my mother promises me eternal youth.  

As you can tell, Seth Rogen, skin care is something I grew up with, and it is something that is very important to me.  Lately, however, I have found I no longer have room for all the derma goods my mother brings me.  I want to turn her products away, but I worry that she will take that as a direct affront to her well established stance on the importance of skin care.  I also worry that the worry will manifest itself as lines on my face, completely negating the clinical benefits of the products and forcing me to accept even more skin care handouts. 

And so, I have decided to do the only logical thing.  I am going to start my own skin care line. 

I won’t be the first celebrity to have her own skin care line.  Heidi Klum has “In An Instant,” Susan Lucci has “Youthful Essence,” and Cindy Crawford teamed up with Dr. Sebagh over a decade ago to create the “Meaningful Beauty” line.  Though I applaud Ms. Crawford for choosing a  brand name that champions the politically incorrect (but true) opinion that “meaningful” beauty is actually on the outside, I do not plan to follow her business model.  You see, unlike Ms. Crawford, I won’t be teaming up with a dermatologist.  Who needs a doctor when you can rely on years of skin care knowledge instilled in you by your mother, who once worked as a medical school librarian?

My business plan came to me by chance, really.  It was a weekday.  I arrived at the Whole Foods parking lot.  A gentleman in a Ford Explorer pulled into the adjacent spot.  Suddenly, I heard a loud and frightening “POP.”  At first I thought his tire exploded, or perhaps he ran over a Smartwater water bottle.  But no.  This sound had an odor and that odor was something awful.  Certainly not the sweet smell I have come to expect from Whole Foods.  I walked past his car, and found that he had run over a previously airtight bag of feces.  The man had no idea, so I said “Excuse me, sir?  I think you just ran over a bag of poop.”  And that’s when it hit me like a bolt of lightening.

I do apologize, Seth Rogen.  At this point, I am sure you cannot see where my moment of inspiration came from.  I must admit, it does sound a little ludicrous.  However, Seth Rogen,  I am going through a culturally exploratory phase, and have of late, been reading up on Japanese customs.  For centuries the Japanese have been using uguisu, a skin care product made out of songbird feces.  In the 18th century, geisha and kabuki actors used it to wipe the heavy white makeup off their face.  I know what you are thinking, Seth Rogen.  “Ewe!  Poo!”  But don’t pooh-pooh it so fast.  Research has shown that the feces are high in the amino acid guanine, and are said to be great for the complexion. 

What’s more, Eucerine (a very commonly used moisturizing lotion here in the states) has the ingredient Urea.  While it helps nourish your skin, urea is found in the urine of mammals.  Are you seeing where I am going with this, Seth Rogen?  Yup, you got it.  There in the parking lot I thought, “I am going to make my own, all natural skin care line!”  Hardly able to contain myself, I grabbed the bag of excrement and promptly ran home.

At the moment I am working on the skin care line from my apartment.  I have drastically increased my intake of both water and fruit, but progress is slow.  Would you like to team up with me?  We could produce twice as quickly.  I can have a nice organic fruit basket sent to your house.  Stay away from the bananas, they’re binding.  What should we name our skin care line?  “Scent of Beauty?”  Just think what it would look like to have both our names on the label!  Oh, Seth Rogen, I’m so excited!  Let’s get together and brainstorm soon. 

Until then…

Debbie

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The other morning, there was a woman dressed in rags sitting on the curb outside my neighborhood Whole Foods holding a sign that read, “Your Fortune For Food.” Normally I am not one to buy into psychic psychobabble, but this woman was different than most that claim clairvoyance.  You see, Seth Rogen, as I trotted along, she called out, “I’m a psychic to the stars!”  Naturally, being a rising star myself, I could not ignore the coincidence.  As you know, it is not often that a psychic of the stars is as available as this woman.  I took it as a sign. 

So, I handed the psychic my Luna Bar and organic acai berry smoothie and sat down by the garbage cans.  After a long hard look into my eyes, and long hard sip of my smoothie, Glenda (as she later introduced herself) told me, “You will be faced with a new career opportunity.”

At first, I hadn’t any idea what Glenda was referring to.  At the rate I am going, what would I even do with a new career opportunity?  I’d probably have to turn it down with my busy schedule and all.  Then, just hours later, it all began to fall into place. 

That afternoon, I made a post surgery follow up visit to my gynecologist.   It was there that I discovered my gynecologist has taken to teaching. No, I do not want to be a teacher, Seth Rogen, although that is a valid guess based on the way I have structured this paragraph thus far.  During this exam, my doctor brought in an intern to take a look.  Always an advocate of education, I allowed it.  The intern sat down on the rolling stool, faced my furry taco, squinted, explored, then spoke these life-changing words, “You have a beautiful cervix.”

Well, Seth Rogen, to be honest, I haven’t seen that many cervixes.  What would make mine any more beautiful that someone else’s, like your mother’s for instance?  The intern handed me a mirror to take a look for myself.  I must tell you, Seth Rogen, truer words have never been stated.  I lost myself in the image within myself.  Never had I seen such beauty, as in that pink doughnut that was reflected back at me. 
 

Well, Seth Rogen, I’m sure it is pretty obvious by now what my new career opportunity is.  I am going to become a Cervix model! I tried to call my agent to tell him of my new discovery and have him book me my first cervix gig, but my call went directly to voicemail.  He says he has terrible reception in his home office.  So, upon arriving home, I sat at my computer and searched for cervix model gigs on my own.  Guess what? I found the perfect thing.  You’ve probably already heard of the Beautiful Cervix Project, a website that displays images of the cervix to help women understand the cycles of cervical change.  I have no doubt that my beautiful cervix will be useful to the Beautiful Cervix Project.  I can’t wait to hear back from them.  

Seth Rogen, I am now a triple threat, as the industry likes to call it.  I can act, sing, and model my cervix.  Thanks to me, all the women in this world (with internet access) will know what a perfect cervix should look like.  It is my duty to share my cervix with the world.  Otherwise, Glenda’s prophecy will go unrealized. 

Seth Rogen, do you have a body part you feel could help others?  A body part that you could model?  Possibly your eyes, or your knuckles, or your prostate?  If so, do you have talent representation for that specific body part? Because I’m afraid my agent doesn’t have a lot of experience in this department.  If you don’t mind, Seth Rogen, I’d like to use you as a reference when contacting them about my cervix.

Until then…

Debbie

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Much like a clock, the New Year makes one think about time.  How time passes and how things change, plus the things one would like to change. These desired changes often manifest themselves as resolutions.  One definitively states, most often to an audience of peers, what he or she will change in the upcoming year, subsequently opening themselves up for shame and ridicule when their goal is not achieved.

A failed resolution, Seth Rogen, is usually the result of an abstract resolution.  For example, “be nice to Mom” or “earn a paycheck” are far too general to be achieved.  It is best to have a very specific resolution.  I have two.

My first New Year’s resolution for 2010 is to get rid of the ear pimple once and for all.  Seriously, this is becoming a bit ridiculous.  I’m not even sure what to tell my doctor when he asks what ails me- a reoccurring pimple of the ear canal?  I am certain he will respond with laughter, and not the kind we comedians need to survive.

I don’t understand it, Seth Rogen.  After all, I eat right - all organic!  Then again, my doctor father will tell you organic makes no difference.  “We all have chemicals in our body.  It’s natural,” he says.  He’s a Libertarian.  I wonder if he knows that the founder of Whole Foods is also libertarian. Anyhow, I exercise regularly and I sleep an average of twelve hours a night.  And yet I am plagued with a reoccurring pustule of the ear. What would you do, Seth Rogen?  Hot compresses are hard to fit in such a tiny cavity.

For Chanukah my sister gave me a personalized skin for my Macbook.  Along with pictures of my dogs, was a diagram of my ear with an arrow pointing to my pimple. Will this be my legacy?  If I died tomorrow, would my gravestone read, “Here lies Debbie Singer… Her ear pimple lives on”?

My second resolution in 2010, Seth Rogen, is to finally meet face to face.  While our correspondence has been incredible (and has gotten me through some really hard times), in 2010 I resolve to take our relationship to the next level.  I should be able to knock this resolution off the list pretty early. I’m sure my dad’s friend’s friend told your parents to tell you about my show this Saturday night at the Spotlight Comedy Club that starts at 7:30p.

So let’s say I’ll see you there, and we’ll start this year off right.  Can’t wait to see you Saturday, Seth Rogen.  I resolve to be funny. L.O.L.

Until then…