Dear Seth Rogen

I am so excited that you and Billy Joel are coming to my one-woman show.  I am saving a seat for both of you up front.  And be careful, my show does call for audience participation. L.O.L

To be honest, Seth Rogen, I am a little worried.  My show has music videos that pay homage to hit songs of the past.  However, even though I am a huge BJ fan (I’ve been told I have taste in music like a middle aged white man), none of my music videos pay tribute to the icon that is Billy Joel.  When Bill comes on May 6th (or 7th), I fear he will feel slighted. 

He shouldn’t, Seth Rogen.  The show’s music videos, while paying tribute to some very popular hit songs, come nowhere close to the caliber of sweet music that BJ creates.  Seriously, Seth Rogen.   One video is a remake of “To the Left” by Beyonce. 

Another is a remake of “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac.  The last, a remake of “I’ll Be” by some country singer.  A hit, maybe, but let’s face it, all country sounds the same.

Seth Rogen,  do you think that when Billy Joel is sitting in the front row of The Spotlight Comedy Club and watching me perform, “The Three Year Plan; How to Marry a Man in 1,095 Days,” he will ask himself, “Why no Billy Joel songs?”  Yup.  That’s what I thought.  And so, I have decided to write the rest of this letter to you as an homage to Billy Joel.  Please read the rest of it in rhythm to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”- one of BJ’s best, due to the fact that it is not only catchy, but educational.  I know you will pass along the message to him.  Can’t wait to see you both at the show. 

Back before I was a star                                                                                              People said I would go far.                      
Even as a little child
My talent was far from mild.

Things were not handed to me
It was difficult you see.
There were things to overcome
My dad’s a Libertarian.

Chorus:
I didn’t start the laughter.
There were always smiles
That went on for miles.
I didn’t start the laughter.
But the seed was planted,
And my wish was granted.

As I came into my own
My humor became well know.
People came out to my shows.
Popularity- it grows.

Seth, I don’t have to tell you
Vagina jokes, I wrote a few
About the gynecologist.
Let’s not repeat, you get the gist.
 
Then one day someone said to me
“Deb, more of you we’d like to see.”
I really do not know why
My fans talk like that Yoda guy.

Chorus

So what I set out to do
Is put on a big show for you.
About a Three Year Plan
Where I set out to get a Man.

The first run was a huge success.
I even wore a wedding dress.
The fans were faced with such delight
I brought it back another night.

What this show has done for me
Is made me a celebrity.
Always talking to my fans.
Smiling and shaking hands.

Chorus



Until then…


Debbie

Every family has a black sheep.  That one individual considered an utter disappointment. For some, it is the estranged uncle with the mustache and prison record.  For others, it is the son who couldn’t muster the grades to make it into his father’s law school.  My family is no exception, Seth Rogen.  We too have a black sheep.

Until now, you have hardly heard me mention the black sheep in my family because her sheep-like qualities are thoroughly underwhelming.  The black sheep I speak of is none other than my little sister.  Of course, I don’t blame her for being the black sheep.  You see, my above average aptitude was apparent from a very young age.  At the age of fourteen (when I imagine most kids my age where still learning to read), I would push the living room furniture to the side, call in the family, and announce, “I’m going to put on a show!”  Let me tell you, I didn’t disappoint.  But, as I shone so bright, it was only natural that my sister fell into the role of disappointment. 

Where else could she go, really? Wherever she went, she knew she would be walking in my shadow.  Naturally, she chose a safe path… Stanford, for a Doctorate in Psychology. Did I set the bar too high, Seth Rogen?  I just hope that in June, when my sister receives her PhD, she doesn’t look down at her diploma and resent her big sister for being a celebrity. 

I mentioned the black sheep today, because I am concerned for her safety.  My sister is getting married in July to a veterinarian.  I’m not afraid of the vet.  Vets like black sheep because sheep are a type of animal. L.O.L.  Anyhow, my sister is planning a simple wedding. The invitations are already out.  Yet, the other day, my parents spring it on her that they must have a “doughnut making station” at the wedding.  Well, my sister isn’t really big on doughnuts.  Neither is the vet.  So why, I ask you, are my parents suddenly insisting on this saturated fat laden product on my sister’s big day?

I did a little sleuthing.  Like most things, it all comes back to Oprah. 

A while back, Oprah did a special on Jake/Julia.  Jake/Julia was a girl who had been living as a girl for fourteen years, when she decided she was a man trapped in a female body.  She took the appropriate hormones and started living as Jake.  Jake’s parents were incredibly supportive of the process.  Oprah checked in on the family 3 years later.  Apparently, Jake’s little brother, Jason, wasn’t doing so well.   Jake said, “I should have taken more time to stop and tell my parents, ‘I’m fine for right now. Pay attention to my brother.’”  Jason got jealous of the attention Jake got.  No one ever asked how he was doing.  It triggered a downward spiral.  Jason developed anorexia, and dropped down to as low as 109 lbs. 

That’s when it dawned on me, Seth Rogen!  My parents must have seen this Oprah episode.  They are insisting that we have high calorie donuts at my sister’s wedding because they are aware that my sister is embarrassed by her inadequate career choice in the shadow of my fame, and they don’t want her to develop anorexia.   They are telling my sister that they don’t want the guests to be bored at the wedding, but how else could you explain their tacky food choice?

What should I do, Seth Rogen?  I do think it is sweet that my parents are reaching out, but is a doughnut-making machine really the way to go?  Might their attempt to fatten her up only shun her further?  My sister is very important to me, even if she is a disappointment to the family.  So what if she isn’t me?  No one but me is.

On a side note, I do hope you got your invite to the wedding.  Make sure to indicate if you would like the Filet, The Lobster, or the Filet and the Lobster.  We can talk about it at my big show.  May 6th at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  Can you believe how popular it is?  They’re bringing it back!  Get your tickets online at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.

Can’t wait to see you there.  Seth Rogen, you’re my best friend. 

Until then…

Debbie

P.S.

Anorexia is no laughing matter.  If you, or someone you know suffers from anorexia, here is a great recipe for doughnuts, from Emeril.

• 1 (1/4 ounce) package of active dry yeast
• 3/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/4 cup warm water (110 deg F)
• 6 eggs
• 6 cups flour
• 1/4 cup melted butter
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups whole milk
• 1/2 cup half and half
• 1 1/2 cups sweetened whipped cream
• 1 1/2 cups vanilla pastry cream
• 1 1/2 cups raspberry filling
• Shaker of powdered sugar
• 1 cup chocolate glaze
• 1 cup powdered sugar glaze

Preheat the fryer to 350 degrees.

In a small mixing bowl, combine the yeast, 1 teaspoon sugar, and 1/4 cup of the warm water. Stir to dissolve and set aside. In an electric mixer, beat the eggs and remaining 3/4 sugar until thick and pale yellow in color. Change the mixer attachment to a dough hook. With the machine running slowly add the yeast mixture, melted butter, milk, half and half and salt. Add the flour, 1 cup at a time. Mix until the mixture forms a soft ball, leaves the sides of the bowl, and climbs up the dough hook. Remove the dough and turn into a lightly oiled bowl. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set the bowl in a warm, draft free space. Let the dough rise until double in size, about 1 1/2 hours. Turn the dough out onto a floured surface and dust the surface of the dough with flour. With a rolling pin, roll out the dough, about 1/4 inch thick, in the shape of a rectangle. Using a 3 inch round cutter, cut the dough into circles. Place the rounds on a baking sheet. Cover the dough with a greased piece of plastic wrap (this will prevent the dough from sticking to the wrap) and let the dough rise until double in size, about 30 minutes. Gently fry a couple of the circles at a time, until golden brown, about 3 to 4 minutes, flipping occasionally for overall browning. Remove the doughnuts from the oil and drain on a paper towel-lined plate. Fit each pastry bag with small round tips. Fill each bag with a different filling. Pipe the donuts, alternately with the different fillings. Sprinkle some of the filled donuts with powdered sugar. Glaze the remaining donuts with the two different glazes. Place on a serving platter and serve.

Yield: 2 dozen doughnuts