Dear Seth Rogen

My agent assures me that I am redefining comedy.   He says I am not to worry about a recent lack of auditions.  As my agent explains, “nobody goes on auditions April through September.”  According to him, the industry essentially shuts down, which explains why he hasn’t returned my calls.

With this momentary pause in my breakthrough career, I took some time to celebrate my little sister and her accomplishments.  My family and I have always been supportive of my sister, even if her goals are pedestrian.  So, this past weekend, when she graduated with her Doctorate in Psychology from Stanford, I proudly put on a supportive happy face, went up to the Bay Area, and celebrated.

The graduation was an extravagant event.  Not Academy Awards extravagant, but daytime Emmy extravagant.  And like any good award show, recipient after recipient shed a tear.  As the students received their diplomas and made their parting speeches, they were overwhelmed with emotion.  I sat there, wondering why these young adults would bother getting so worked up when there wasn’t a single national television station covering the event.  Of course, the students blamed their tears on cliche excuses, like saying goodbye to close friends, not knowing when their paths would cross again, and finally achieving their “lofty” goals.  I instantly saw through the charade.  You can’t pull one over on me, Seth Rogen!  These students were actually crying because something was missing from their graduation.

I have always prided myself on my ability to read others.  Though an actress by day, one might say that I am an amateur psychologist by night.  You pick up a few things here and there when you commiserate about your mother with a sister that studies psychology. 

So, while sitting in the back of the auditorium, it suddenly dawned on me.  I knew what they were thinking.  They were thinking, “Debbie Singer let us down.”  I was overcome by a wave of guilt.

It was all my fault, Seth Rogen! How could I be so obtuse? These students were crying because I had completely forgotten to invite you to the graduation!  Thinking back, it should have been so obvious.  One of my sister’s friends even asked me if I expected you to show up.  He then laughed uncontrollably, clearly giddy at just the thought of meeting you.  I feel such remorse for not telling you about my sister’s “big day.”  Not just because it would have made those graduates’ day, but because I think you would actually like my sister.  Despite her simplicity, you two have much in common.  You both have curly hair, and you both are dear to my heart.  Surely friendships have been built on less. 

While I cannot undo this past weekend’s blunder, I ask that you do not punish my sister for my short-sightedness.  Please know that it was I who didn’t think to invite you to the graduation, not my sister.  I acted alone.  I hope you will accept this apology, and not slight her on her next big day.  She will make a beautiful bride this summer, and I know I speak for the entire family when I say we would love to see you there. 

Until then…

Debbie

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Every family has a black sheep.  That one individual considered an utter disappointment. For some, it is the estranged uncle with the mustache and prison record.  For others, it is the son who couldn’t muster the grades to make it into his father’s law school.  My family is no exception, Seth Rogen.  We too have a black sheep.

Until now, you have hardly heard me mention the black sheep in my family because her sheep-like qualities are thoroughly underwhelming.  The black sheep I speak of is none other than my little sister.  Of course, I don’t blame her for being the black sheep.  You see, my above average aptitude was apparent from a very young age.  At the age of fourteen (when I imagine most kids my age where still learning to read), I would push the living room furniture to the side, call in the family, and announce, “I’m going to put on a show!”  Let me tell you, I didn’t disappoint.  But, as I shone so bright, it was only natural that my sister fell into the role of disappointment. 

Where else could she go, really? Wherever she went, she knew she would be walking in my shadow.  Naturally, she chose a safe path… Stanford, for a Doctorate in Psychology. Did I set the bar too high, Seth Rogen?  I just hope that in June, when my sister receives her PhD, she doesn’t look down at her diploma and resent her big sister for being a celebrity. 

I mentioned the black sheep today, because I am concerned for her safety.  My sister is getting married in July to a veterinarian.  I’m not afraid of the vet.  Vets like black sheep because sheep are a type of animal. L.O.L.  Anyhow, my sister is planning a simple wedding. The invitations are already out.  Yet, the other day, my parents spring it on her that they must have a “doughnut making station” at the wedding.  Well, my sister isn’t really big on doughnuts.  Neither is the vet.  So why, I ask you, are my parents suddenly insisting on this saturated fat laden product on my sister’s big day?

I did a little sleuthing.  Like most things, it all comes back to Oprah. 

A while back, Oprah did a special on Jake/Julia.  Jake/Julia was a girl who had been living as a girl for fourteen years, when she decided she was a man trapped in a female body.  She took the appropriate hormones and started living as Jake.  Jake’s parents were incredibly supportive of the process.  Oprah checked in on the family 3 years later.  Apparently, Jake’s little brother, Jason, wasn’t doing so well.   Jake said, “I should have taken more time to stop and tell my parents, ‘I’m fine for right now. Pay attention to my brother.’”  Jason got jealous of the attention Jake got.  No one ever asked how he was doing.  It triggered a downward spiral.  Jason developed anorexia, and dropped down to as low as 109 lbs. 

That’s when it dawned on me, Seth Rogen!  My parents must have seen this Oprah episode.  They are insisting that we have high calorie donuts at my sister’s wedding because they are aware that my sister is embarrassed by her inadequate career choice in the shadow of my fame, and they don’t want her to develop anorexia.   They are telling my sister that they don’t want the guests to be bored at the wedding, but how else could you explain their tacky food choice?

What should I do, Seth Rogen?  I do think it is sweet that my parents are reaching out, but is a doughnut-making machine really the way to go?  Might their attempt to fatten her up only shun her further?  My sister is very important to me, even if she is a disappointment to the family.  So what if she isn’t me?  No one but me is.

On a side note, I do hope you got your invite to the wedding.  Make sure to indicate if you would like the Filet, The Lobster, or the Filet and the Lobster.  We can talk about it at my big show.  May 6th at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  Can you believe how popular it is?  They’re bringing it back!  Get your tickets online at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.

Can’t wait to see you there.  Seth Rogen, you’re my best friend. 

Until then…

Debbie

P.S.

Anorexia is no laughing matter.  If you, or someone you know suffers from anorexia, here is a great recipe for doughnuts, from Emeril.

• 1 (1/4 ounce) package of active dry yeast
• 3/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/4 cup warm water (110 deg F)
• 6 eggs
• 6 cups flour
• 1/4 cup melted butter
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups whole milk
• 1/2 cup half and half
• 1 1/2 cups sweetened whipped cream
• 1 1/2 cups vanilla pastry cream
• 1 1/2 cups raspberry filling
• Shaker of powdered sugar
• 1 cup chocolate glaze
• 1 cup powdered sugar glaze

Preheat the fryer to 350 degrees.

In a small mixing bowl, combine the yeast, 1 teaspoon sugar, and 1/4 cup of the warm water. Stir to dissolve and set aside. In an electric mixer, beat the eggs and remaining 3/4 sugar until thick and pale yellow in color. Change the mixer attachment to a dough hook. With the machine running slowly add the yeast mixture, melted butter, milk, half and half and salt. Add the flour, 1 cup at a time. Mix until the mixture forms a soft ball, leaves the sides of the bowl, and climbs up the dough hook. Remove the dough and turn into a lightly oiled bowl. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set the bowl in a warm, draft free space. Let the dough rise until double in size, about 1 1/2 hours. Turn the dough out onto a floured surface and dust the surface of the dough with flour. With a rolling pin, roll out the dough, about 1/4 inch thick, in the shape of a rectangle. Using a 3 inch round cutter, cut the dough into circles. Place the rounds on a baking sheet. Cover the dough with a greased piece of plastic wrap (this will prevent the dough from sticking to the wrap) and let the dough rise until double in size, about 30 minutes. Gently fry a couple of the circles at a time, until golden brown, about 3 to 4 minutes, flipping occasionally for overall browning. Remove the doughnuts from the oil and drain on a paper towel-lined plate. Fit each pastry bag with small round tips. Fill each bag with a different filling. Pipe the donuts, alternately with the different fillings. Sprinkle some of the filled donuts with powdered sugar. Glaze the remaining donuts with the two different glazes. Place on a serving platter and serve.

Yield: 2 dozen doughnuts