Dear Seth Rogen

Perhaps you are not aware, but the United States Postal Service is on the verge of bankruptcy.  Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night could hinder the postal service, but apparently 300 million citizens who   prefer texting and emailing will do the trick.  Unless the US government bails them out, well, I don’t want to picture a world without mailmen.  Though to be honest, I could probably do without mailwomen.  Those shorts are just awkward. 



Seth Rogen, this situation is extremely serious.  I’m not the only one who thinks so.  According to Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe, “Our situation is extremely serious.”  He went on to say, “If congress doesn’t act, we’ll default.”  If the post office defaults then who will deliver  my favorite grocery circulars and daily offers for platinum credit cards?   And how will my Alma Mater contact me to request a donation of $100 or more?  Sadly, it seems the USPS is already showing signs of its demise.  Lately the post office, normally a pillar of accuracy and timeliness, is misplacing and forgetting to bring my most important pieces of mail.   For instance, Ryan Gosling’s thank you card for the car shaped cookie basket I sent him after his commanding performance in DRIVE?  Never delivered.   My letter of acceptance into the summer program at Juilliard.   Never delivered.  That’s not the worst of it, Seth Rogen.  The USPS has failed me on an even greater level and I think we both know what I’m referring to.  

A wedding is a joyous occasion, and wedding invitations, delivered via the postal service, are important first impressions presenting the couple to their guests.  Luckily, you and I are way beyond first impressions, because thanks to the failing postal service, I never received my wedding invitation to your big day.  You could imagine my embarrassment, Seth Rogen, when I awoke last Monday morning only to read that I missed the matrimonial festivities as you wed the perfectly acceptable Lauren Miller.  Embarrassed doesn’t even describe it.  Mortified is more accurate.  Please, please, please… don’t feel bad.   I know this wasn’t your fault.  Truthfully, email is to blame, but since email can’t feel guilt it isn’t very satisfying to blame.  Damn our failing postal system!



According to my sources on the internet, your intimate affair included Judd Apatow and wife, Leslie Mann, Paul Rudd, Adam Sandler, Craig Robinson from The Office, and Jonah Hill.  I can only imagine that when you looked around at your sea of friends, you wondered where I was.  (And also Freeks and Geeks companion Samm Levine, whose invite most likely went missing in the mail as well.)   Well, this past Saturday night I played a game of cyber chess with my Libertarian physician father.  In his old age he is much appreciative of quality time anyone under the age of 55 is willing to spend with him.   In hindsight it seems cruelly ironic that whilst I explained to my father that there were no “hip” or “hopping” Hollywood parties that evening (which garnered a small grin from the old man), I was missing out on your big day.   I just hope you had someone   there to walk you down the aisle.  I let you down, Seth Rogen, and for this I am eternally apologetic. 

Know that I am not over this.  I plan to do whatever it takes to fix our broken postal service.  Join me,  Seth Rogen.  Let’s use our combined celebrity power to save the United States Postal Service!  This way we can insure that next time you get married all your invitations will be safely delivered.   My best to the wifey. 

Until then…

Debbie

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Wow! You really do come through for your friends.  Your latest act of good will thrust in my direction has certainly made my winter.  I mean, I just can’t thank you enough for convincing Samm Levine to star along side me in OB/GY ANNE, the hilarious sitcom pilot I just shot!  And you are so modest, Seth Rogen.  You never once mentioned to me that you’d be getting in touch with Samm. 

Even Samm downplayed your role in the whole thing, saying the two of you haven’t really spoken since “Freaks and Geeks” and that he only agreed to do my pilot because he is good friends with fellow OB/GY ANNE star, Jim Turner.   Jim plays Dr. Valentine, my character’s gynecologist and handsome father figure.  Viewers will recognize Jim from HBO’s “Arli$$.” He’s the one in the way way back of the photo.

I thought maybe you were the one that convinced Mr. Turner to do the pilot, but Jim says that he is only doing the show because he plays basketball with the director on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings and it would have been awkward to say no. 

Don’t worry, Seth Rogen.  I know Jim and Samm are just protecting you.  I can go along with the story. Obviously, Seth Rogen, you and I have a special connection.  You wouldn’t send Samm Levine to go work on any old project that a friend of your parent’s friend’s friend was working on.  And you don’t want friends of your parents’ friend’s friends coming out of the woodwork.  Your secret is safe with me ;)

I do hope that we will see you at the premiere on March 12th.  We have rented a theater for the event and plan to serve fancy things, like sesame crackers with crab salad, smoked meats, and red pepper hummus.  Oh, Seth Rogen, I feel like such a starlet.  I even got a stylist for the event, just like any other A-list celebrity.  I have watched the Rachel Zoe show on Bravo, and was pretty excited to work with the stylist of the stars.  Naturally, when I called her office to book the appointment, I was met with laughter.  I have to admit, Seth Rogen, the uncontrollable chortling on the other end brought a huge smile to my face.  My humor is becoming so universal that the mere mention of my name brought a wealth of merriment to Zoe’s assistant.  Alas, Seth Rogen, there appeared to be something wrong with Zoe’s phone, as I was abruptly interrupted by a dial tone.  When I called back, just as someone seemed to pick up, I again was disconnected.  I fear that with such a bad phone line, Rachel Zoe’s business may suffer.

In the meantime, I did what was necessary, and found another stylist.  She is not nearly as famous.  In fact, I am her first client, but so far my neighbor has really seemed up to the task.  She took me shopping for a dress, and rather than payment, I babysat her child while she ran some errands.  As it turns out, she needed to get her nails done, get a spray tan, plus stop at Whole Foods for a gallon of soymilk.  It works out for the best, because not only did I get a great dress, but I also allowed my stylist to help stimulate the economy.  My dad, the libertarian physician, agreed with my choice in stylists, saying President Reagan would have been proud to see me administer the “trickle down theory.”   It feels good to give back to the community.  Still, I hope that by the next time I need a stylist, Rachel Zoe’s phone will be fixed. 

Oh, Seth Rogen, I can’t wait for you to see the show.  I know I’ll see you at the big premier!  All the details are on the facebook invite.  I’m sure Samm Levine made sure you got it.  Don’t forget to RSVP!!! 

Until then…

Debbie

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