Dear Seth Rogen

Every family has a black sheep.  That one individual considered an utter disappointment. For some, it is the estranged uncle with the mustache and prison record.  For others, it is the son who couldn’t muster the grades to make it into his father’s law school.  My family is no exception, Seth Rogen.  We too have a black sheep.

Until now, you have hardly heard me mention the black sheep in my family because her sheep-like qualities are thoroughly underwhelming.  The black sheep I speak of is none other than my little sister.  Of course, I don’t blame her for being the black sheep.  You see, my above average aptitude was apparent from a very young age.  At the age of fourteen (when I imagine most kids my age where still learning to read), I would push the living room furniture to the side, call in the family, and announce, “I’m going to put on a show!”  Let me tell you, I didn’t disappoint.  But, as I shone so bright, it was only natural that my sister fell into the role of disappointment. 

Where else could she go, really? Wherever she went, she knew she would be walking in my shadow.  Naturally, she chose a safe path… Stanford, for a Doctorate in Psychology. Did I set the bar too high, Seth Rogen?  I just hope that in June, when my sister receives her PhD, she doesn’t look down at her diploma and resent her big sister for being a celebrity. 

I mentioned the black sheep today, because I am concerned for her safety.  My sister is getting married in July to a veterinarian.  I’m not afraid of the vet.  Vets like black sheep because sheep are a type of animal. L.O.L.  Anyhow, my sister is planning a simple wedding. The invitations are already out.  Yet, the other day, my parents spring it on her that they must have a “doughnut making station” at the wedding.  Well, my sister isn’t really big on doughnuts.  Neither is the vet.  So why, I ask you, are my parents suddenly insisting on this saturated fat laden product on my sister’s big day?

I did a little sleuthing.  Like most things, it all comes back to Oprah. 

A while back, Oprah did a special on Jake/Julia.  Jake/Julia was a girl who had been living as a girl for fourteen years, when she decided she was a man trapped in a female body.  She took the appropriate hormones and started living as Jake.  Jake’s parents were incredibly supportive of the process.  Oprah checked in on the family 3 years later.  Apparently, Jake’s little brother, Jason, wasn’t doing so well.   Jake said, “I should have taken more time to stop and tell my parents, ‘I’m fine for right now. Pay attention to my brother.’”  Jason got jealous of the attention Jake got.  No one ever asked how he was doing.  It triggered a downward spiral.  Jason developed anorexia, and dropped down to as low as 109 lbs. 

That’s when it dawned on me, Seth Rogen!  My parents must have seen this Oprah episode.  They are insisting that we have high calorie donuts at my sister’s wedding because they are aware that my sister is embarrassed by her inadequate career choice in the shadow of my fame, and they don’t want her to develop anorexia.   They are telling my sister that they don’t want the guests to be bored at the wedding, but how else could you explain their tacky food choice?

What should I do, Seth Rogen?  I do think it is sweet that my parents are reaching out, but is a doughnut-making machine really the way to go?  Might their attempt to fatten her up only shun her further?  My sister is very important to me, even if she is a disappointment to the family.  So what if she isn’t me?  No one but me is.

On a side note, I do hope you got your invite to the wedding.  Make sure to indicate if you would like the Filet, The Lobster, or the Filet and the Lobster.  We can talk about it at my big show.  May 6th at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  Can you believe how popular it is?  They’re bringing it back!  Get your tickets online at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.

Can’t wait to see you there.  Seth Rogen, you’re my best friend. 

Until then…

Debbie

P.S.

Anorexia is no laughing matter.  If you, or someone you know suffers from anorexia, here is a great recipe for doughnuts, from Emeril.

• 1 (1/4 ounce) package of active dry yeast
• 3/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/4 cup warm water (110 deg F)
• 6 eggs
• 6 cups flour
• 1/4 cup melted butter
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups whole milk
• 1/2 cup half and half
• 1 1/2 cups sweetened whipped cream
• 1 1/2 cups vanilla pastry cream
• 1 1/2 cups raspberry filling
• Shaker of powdered sugar
• 1 cup chocolate glaze
• 1 cup powdered sugar glaze

Preheat the fryer to 350 degrees.

In a small mixing bowl, combine the yeast, 1 teaspoon sugar, and 1/4 cup of the warm water. Stir to dissolve and set aside. In an electric mixer, beat the eggs and remaining 3/4 sugar until thick and pale yellow in color. Change the mixer attachment to a dough hook. With the machine running slowly add the yeast mixture, melted butter, milk, half and half and salt. Add the flour, 1 cup at a time. Mix until the mixture forms a soft ball, leaves the sides of the bowl, and climbs up the dough hook. Remove the dough and turn into a lightly oiled bowl. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set the bowl in a warm, draft free space. Let the dough rise until double in size, about 1 1/2 hours. Turn the dough out onto a floured surface and dust the surface of the dough with flour. With a rolling pin, roll out the dough, about 1/4 inch thick, in the shape of a rectangle. Using a 3 inch round cutter, cut the dough into circles. Place the rounds on a baking sheet. Cover the dough with a greased piece of plastic wrap (this will prevent the dough from sticking to the wrap) and let the dough rise until double in size, about 30 minutes. Gently fry a couple of the circles at a time, until golden brown, about 3 to 4 minutes, flipping occasionally for overall browning. Remove the doughnuts from the oil and drain on a paper towel-lined plate. Fit each pastry bag with small round tips. Fill each bag with a different filling. Pipe the donuts, alternately with the different fillings. Sprinkle some of the filled donuts with powdered sugar. Glaze the remaining donuts with the two different glazes. Place on a serving platter and serve.

Yield: 2 dozen doughnuts

After my Versed induce nap and brief stay at the hospital, I was feeling refreshed and light as ever.  It must have been the extra endometrial tissue my OB/GYN removed, L.O.L.   While reading the many “Get Well” cards from my fans, I began to reflect.  I realized, Seth Rogen, I am indeed a lucky lady.  I’ve been blessed with the ability to enrich people’s lives with laughter.  If nothing else, this recent medical scare has reminded me that the world would be a lousier place without me.  I do love giving back to the community.  So I have decided that my charitable deeds should not stop with my jokes.  Seth Rogen, I am going to become a philanthropist.

Every celebrity has a “cause.”  It is only natural that the next step in the evolution of my celebrity is to find my cause, preferably one with a tax write-off.  Where do I begin?

I was thinking about joining the green revolution (environmental, not Iranian).   In fact, I already recycle.  I even rinse out the food remnants from plastic containers before putting them in the bin.  That way the people at the recycling plant don’t soil their hands while sorting through my olive tapenade jars.  My mother argues that the water you waste rinsing the plastic neutralizes the positive environmental impact of recycling.  She also believes climate change is something most properly dealt with by upgrading your thermostat.   Unfortunately, the environment cannot be my cause.  In a city where every third vehicle gets forty miles to the gallon, going green has become passé.

My friend Jana works for Animal Advocates.  Maybe animals can be my cause.  I already go to the Animal Rescue Site on a daily basis and click to donate food for animals in need.  No.  My cause needs to be unique to me.  Besides, animals are also my mom’s cause, and I have a fear of turning into my mother.

I love babies.  But Brangelina and Madonna sort of cornered the market on that one.  Plus my doctor says I’m not allowed to be physical for two weeks after my surgery.  Not to mention, my apartment is too small for two dogs, a kid, and me.

Magic Johnson has the AIDS things covered.  Lance Armstrong has a stranglehold on cancer and George Clooney is all over human rights.

I could get into the disaster relief market, but that involves a good deal of patience.  Do I really want to wait around for the next earthquake or flood?  Poverty would be a golden one if it weren’t utterly depressing.  Women’s rights is definitely out after my one-woman show, “The Three Year Plan: How to Marry a Man in 1,095 Days” somehow failed to make substantial inroads in feminist circles.

I know!  I’ll start a book club.  Does that count as a cause?  It does promote literacy.  Shit!  Oprah already did that.

Oh, Seth Rogen, what should I do?  I’m ready to take my celebrity and good deeds to the next level, but all the best causes are taken.  Help me, please.

Until then…

Debbie