Dear Seth Rogen,
I am being sought after by a cult. Of course, I’m not the first celebrity to be coveted by a cult. Scientology, for instance, has been recruiting celebrities for years with celebrity recruitment centers that span the globe. If you are a celebrity (which you are, L.O.L.), they even wave the $1000 fee for an auditing course. No wonder fellow comedic actresses like Laura Prepon and Jenna Elfman belong to the Church of Scientology. Unfortunately, Seth Rogen, the cult recruiting me is far scarier, and much less glamorous than L. Ron Hubbard’s elite club.
The Debbie coveting cult I speak of is using my own mother to get to me (they’ve clearly forgotten that a young woman’s greatest fear is becoming her mother). You see, Seth Rogen, my mother is part of an exclusive cult, know as CAbi. Some might say that CAbi parties are just a bunch of your friends eating, drinking, and shopping for clothes, all in the comfort and privacy of the home. While this sounds harmless enough, my incredible sleuthing skills (a.k.a. instinctive Jewish meddling) have led me to discover a few signs that prove the CAbi’s are indeed a cult.
My findings:
1. Most cults have a charismatic leader that holds a tremendous amount of sway over the members.
CAbi certainly has that charismatic leader in Carol Anderson, the former Nordstroms designer that was tired of being told what to design, prompting her to start her own line sold exclusively through independent “consultants.” I’ve seen my mother purchase a polyester track suit from the CAbi catalog, just because the “consultant” told her it was one of Carol’s personal favorites. With that kind of power, who knows what Carol Anderson will make my mother do next!
2. Most cults promote isolation and exclusivity, often times forcing members to cut off contact with their own family.
Can you imagine cutting off contact with me, Seth Rogen? Neither can I… and we’re not even technically family. Well, before these CAbi parties, my mother would answer her cell phone in a movie theater just to tell me that she was in a movie and couldn’t talk. Now, when my mother is at one of her CAbi parties, she lets my call go directly to voicemail! The forced isolation is obvious. Plus, the blatant exclusivity of this cult is apparent in its very name. That’s right, CAbi stands for Carol Anderson by invitation.
Don’t worry Seth Rogen, this CAbi cult will never be able to lure me in and you and I will never lose contact. I’m far too smart for them. I never order clothes from a catalog. You just can’t trust the sizes are what they say they are.
3. Cults often strongly imply that money contributed to their cause will earn the contributor numerous gifts, powers, and abilities.
This mark of a cult brings me to a new threat, Seth Rogen. My sister’s future mother-in-law is attempting to have me join a second cult, led by a charismatic drag queen called “Mary Kay.”
Mary Kay certainly fits the bill of a cult. To date, my sister’s future mother-in-law has poured countless hard earned dollars into this cult, and for what? Sure, Mary Kay has rewarded her with two automobiles and flawless skin, but at what cost? And what if my mother were to be sucked in by this cult’s incredible exfoliating foot rub? After all, she does not possess my iron will. I’m sure that my mother’s membership would be frowned upon in the cult community, as cults are quite exclusive, and do not encourage an incestuous overlap of members.
Seth Rogen, what should I do? Have you or anyone you loved ever been lured in by a scary cult such as The CAbi’s or The Manson family… or The Tea Baggers? If so, what did you do to bring them back to a healthy state of mind? I must fight against this evil. Please help.
Until then…
