Dear Seth Rogen

Did you know the average person has one hundred fifty thousand hairs on their scalp?  I am a lover of hair.  I love looking at it, washing it, and styling it.  On more than one occasion I’ve been referred to by myself as an amateur hair stylist.  The great thing about hair is that it is so versatile.  Most people don’t realize the diverse uses for the filamentous bio-material  that grows from the follicles found in their dermis.  I’ll stop you there, Seth Rogen, cause I can already see the wheels in your head turning, asking…”Debbie, what else are its uses?”

Well, Seth Rogen, I’m glad you asked.  Human hair is actually stronger and much more robust when compared with all-pervasive fiberglass.  So it should come as no shock to you that Ronald Johnson, a former hair stylist, created an environmentally friendly material using hair clippings which could ultimately substitute for products which contain considerable amounts of fiberglass.  And what did he do with this hair material?  Well, he built a chair!  I’m looking to purchase one for my home office.

Lady Gaga had a hat made of hair, but hair’s fashion abilities go far beyond the head.  The creative design team from the Artidjana fashion house utilized 165 feet of blonde human hair within this dress that was modeled in a fashion display in Zagreb, Croatia.   

And who doesn’t love art?  A Beijing artist built a statue of Barack Obama using human hair. 

There is really no limit to where hair can go (and grow) and what it can do.  And that is why I am such a fan of hair.  Unfortunately, Seth Rogen, I believe that some of my fans have discovered my fondness towards the cylindrical filaments that protrude from the scalp.  They have abused that knowledge, and, well quite honestly made me have a bad hair day.  I’ll explain…

I was sitting with my girlfriends at a twenty four hour diner out at Morongo Casino, nourishing myself after a late night of dancing at a bachelorette bash.  The bride-to-be had just ordered her biscuits and gravy, when a gentleman with very long braids approached our table.   As this gentleman sat down, his charcoal locks fell right into my water.  As much as I love hair, I am an even bigger fan of hydration, and I had no idea where this braid had been.  I tried not to seem taken aback.  After all, he was probably just a fan trying to find a way to connect with me.  I remind myself constantly that even though I am a celebrity, I am also a person.  So I try to be understanding when a fan wants to talk to me.  After all, without our fans, who would we be?  Am I right, Seth Rogen, or am I right? 

And so, I very kindly asked him to remove his hair from my water glass.  He did so, and quickly, but he then took his braid and began to rub it along the table.  I must admit, I was quite disgusted.  His friends all watched from the next table over.  I commend this braided gent for his brazen bravery, but Seth Rogen, this is no way to connect.  He continued rubbing his hair against the table, until the biscuits and gravy arrived.  At which point, he dropped his plaited hair onto the bachelorette’s plate, dipped his braid into the gravy, and painted a heart on the table. 

Well, Seth Rogen, I regret to admit that words failed me at this point.  I sat there with my mouth agape.  Clearly, the gentleman thought he had done well, as he smiled, and his friends at the table behind us all started to applaud.  I didn’t know what to do.  I do love hair… and gravy.  Perhaps this was his way of trying to combine two of my favorite things into the ultimate introduction.  But before I could give the man my autograph, the bride to be picked up our plates and moved a few tables over.  I can’t say that I blame her.  Hair in your food is quite disgusting, no matter how much you love the two items separately.

Oh, Seth Rogen, I’ll never look at gravy the same again.

       
Until then…

Debbie

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Human beings often do things that are bad for them, blaming their destructive actions on the unquenchable urge to emulate their celebrity heroes.  For instance, people drink alcohol to be more like Lindsey Lohan.  People steal to be more like Winona Ryder.   People even wear manga-like “circle contacts” (that may cause corneal abrasions and blinding infections) in order to look more like Lady Gaga in her “Bad Romance” video.  Where will the destruction end, Seth Rogen? 

The way I see it, as long as people are going to mimic celebrities, they may as well be doing something good for themselves.  That’s where Heidi and I come in.  As a celebrity, I know people will want to mimic whatever I do.  And in order to maximize my positive effect on the community, I am teaming up with Heidi.  Together we are going to spearhead the latest and greatest health craze… Acupuncture!

You see, Seth Rogen, I have been a lifelong sufferer of migraines.  My neurologist suggested I try acupuncture to lessen the pain.  Lo and behold, the ancient Eastern remedy worked like a charm.  I can’t wait for the world to know so they too can reap the spoils of acupuncture.  

Where does Heidi come in, you ask?  Who is Heidi, you might also ask?  Heidi is one of Hollywood’s fastest rising stars.  She was recently discovered by a talent agent while frolicking in a park.  According to her agent, her look was fantastic, and her skills stellar, but unfortunately for Heidi, she suffered from arthritis.  As an actor, she was physically able to do the tricks demanded of her, but not as repeatedly and as often as required on set.  Unless Heidi did something about her condition, her agent claimed she would only be able to do print ads.  Heidi knew she was destined to be more than a pretty face.  So, this blossoming talent went to an animal acupuncturist.  Now she is able to move like a star. 

So, you see, together Heidi and I will show the world that man and man’s best friend can both benefit from what will soon be the latest trend. The only problem is, I have not been able to make contact with Heidi.   As it turns out, it is much more difficult to communicate with a dog than it is with a person like you, Seth Rogen.  I’m doing everything I can to find her.   I bring my pups to the dog park and make them stay alert for any sign of her.  I’ve even brought them for some dog acupuncture of their own.  If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that this is a small world, and the celebrity world is even smaller.  Sooner or later Heidi and I are bound to run into each other. 

If you happen to run into her before I do, please let her know I am looking for her.  Your help means so much to me, Seth Rogen.  Oh!  Perhaps you would like to try some acupuncture as well!  It might be more effective than the medicinal marijuana you frequently use to deal with your pain.  Let’s work together to use our celebrity status to make the world a pain free place. 

Until then…

Debbie

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