Dear Seth Rogen

You must be exhilarated by the recent announcement that good friend and confidant, Judd Apatow, will be producing “Wanderlust,” a new film starring your old buddy, Paul Rudd, and directed by David Wain.  My guess is, with so many of your friends working on the project, there is going to be a role for you on the film as well!!!  Seth Rogen, with no less than six other films in production, you are certainly going to be one busy bee.

You are not the only one, Seth Rogen, with such a close connection to the filmmakers.  I too have an intimate tie to the project.  You see, my hair dresser’s sister worked with David Wain on one of his prior films.  Can you believe it?  It seems that once more, fate has brought the two of us together.   I have little doubt that my close connection to director David Wain will result in a role for me in the film.  As it turns out, we will both be busy bees this fall.  It is about time we finally worked together, Seth Rogen, don’t you think? 

There is one drawback.  And this is the part I hate about the cut throat business we work in.  You see, Seth Rogen, the female lead has been promised to Jennifer Aniston, an acting peer who (like me) has suffered through years of rhinoplasty rumors. 

I happen to be a big Aniston fan.  I watched all her episodes of Friends.  I even saw her first movie Leprechaun when I rented it by mistake one Halloween. 

Unfortunately, not everyone loves Jennifer the way I do.  Many fans and bloggers are starting to get a little disgruntled with Aniston’s overexposure on the romantic comedy front.  In the past, a studio would balk at such grumblings, but in today’s economy, I fear Universal may give in to the demands of the online community.  As you can imagine, Seth Rogen, with you and I being so close, I do fear that the producers will feel obligated to bump Aniston and give me her part.   I assure you this is not what I am after.  I am sure there are enough female parts to go around.   I personally can’t wait to work with you, and I can’t wait to be brought into the Apatow Family (which I hear is like Jon & Kate Plus 8, except more Jewish), but I wouldn’t want to risk offending Jennifer.  

What should I do when Judd and Rudd offer me the role, Seth Rogen?   I’m stuck between a Rudd and hard place. L.O.L. 

Until then…

Debbie

This past Monday night, Barack Obama hosted a Passover Seder at the White House.  This tradition started in 2008 when three of the President’s Jewish aides were practicing their faith in the basement of a Pennsylvania hotel.  Obama walked by and asked, “Hey, is this the Seder?”  Apparently it was.  Barack joined the low level aides and the Passover tradition has lived on in the Obama residence ever since. 

Normally, I do not have a problem with gentiles participating in Seders.  I usually see it as a wonderful way to promote religious tolerance and understanding.  Plus, it is so cute when a non-Jew tries to say “Baruch Atah Adonai.”  However, this year is different.  This year, I did not get the opportunity to celebrate Passover with my low-level aides in a Pennsylvania hotel.  This year, Seth Rogen, I was not invited to a Seder. 

I realize what must have happened.  It was a combination of things, really.  First of all, more and more people have been listening to my standup comedy.  All of my Jewish friends have now heard me refer to getting my nose job as “having the Jew cut out.”  I have offended one too many Jews, Seth Rogen.  My own people are shunning me.

Second of all (and the more likely reason that I had no Seder invite), now that I am a celebrity, everyone assumes I had some big “Celebrity Seder” to go to. They were probably just too embarrassed to invite me to their own.  I’m sure that’s the same reason you didn’t invite me to your Seder, Seth Rogen.  So, everyone assumed I had somewhere else to be, and I wound up with nowhere to go.

Monday night arrived and I sat alone at my table with a hard-boiled egg, some parsley, and some bitter herbs.  I defrosted the remaining matzo ball soup from when I had my surgery and my mom cooked for me.  Realizing that was not enough food, I walked to Whole Foods and bought a little organic brisket to complete my Jewish feast.   I felt a little guilty for buying the organic brisket because my Libertarian father says organic is a waste of money.  I guess it is not a true Jewish holiday without a little guilt. L.O.L.  Am I right, Seth Rogen? 

So, I sat down and asked myself the traditional Seder questions.

Why is this night different from all other nights?
Because I was not invited to a Seder.

Why is it that on all other nights during the year we eat either bread or matzoh, but on this night we eat only matzoh?
Because it is Passover.

Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night we eat only bitter herbs?
Because on this night nobody invited us to a Seder (as a result of our celebrity status), making us sad, lonely, and bitter. Very bitter.

Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip our herbs even once, but on this night we dip them twice?
Shit.  I forgot the dipping sauce.

Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position?   
Because tonight we are eating alone, so we are having Seder in a Lay-Z-Boy in front of the television.

Seth Rogen, what should I do?  I don’t want to alienate people anymore.  This year, Passover passed me over.  Next year, let’s celebrate it together.  Happy Easter.

Until then…

Debbie Singer