Dear Seth Rogen,
My mother has always stressed the importance of skin care. Every time she visits, she brings me obscene amounts of dermatological merchandise. A serum for the eyes, an ointment for the lips, a balm for the smile lines, and a specially formulated nighttime repair salve. Plus, the “free gift with purchase” lipstick. With a wrinkle free wink, my mother promises me eternal youth.
As you can tell, Seth Rogen, skin care is something I grew up with, and it is something that is very important to me. Lately, however, I have found I no longer have room for all the derma goods my mother brings me. I want to turn her products away, but I worry that she will take that as a direct affront to her well established stance on the importance of skin care. I also worry that the worry will manifest itself as lines on my face, completely negating the clinical benefits of the products and forcing me to accept even more skin care handouts.
And so, I have decided to do the only logical thing. I am going to start my own skin care line.
I won’t be the first celebrity to have her own skin care line. Heidi Klum has “In An Instant,” Susan Lucci has “Youthful Essence,” and Cindy Crawford teamed up with Dr. Sebagh over a decade ago to create the “Meaningful Beauty” line. Though I applaud Ms. Crawford for choosing a brand name that champions the politically incorrect (but true) opinion that “meaningful” beauty is actually on the outside, I do not plan to follow her business model. You see, unlike Ms. Crawford, I won’t be teaming up with a dermatologist. Who needs a doctor when you can rely on years of skin care knowledge instilled in you by your mother, who once worked as a medical school librarian?
My business plan came to me by chance, really. It was a weekday. I arrived at the Whole Foods parking lot. A gentleman in a Ford Explorer pulled into the adjacent spot. Suddenly, I heard a loud and frightening “POP.” At first I thought his tire exploded, or perhaps he ran over a Smartwater water bottle. But no. This sound had an odor and that odor was something awful. Certainly not the sweet smell I have come to expect from Whole Foods. I walked past his car, and found that he had run over a previously airtight bag of feces. The man had no idea, so I said “Excuse me, sir? I think you just ran over a bag of poop.” And that’s when it hit me like a bolt of lightening.
I do apologize, Seth Rogen. At this point, I am sure you cannot see where my moment of inspiration came from. I must admit, it does sound a little ludicrous. However, Seth Rogen, I am going through a culturally exploratory phase, and have of late, been reading up on Japanese customs. For centuries the Japanese have been using uguisu, a skin care product made out of songbird feces. In the 18th century, geisha and kabuki actors used it to wipe the heavy white makeup off their face. I know what you are thinking, Seth Rogen. “Ewe! Poo!” But don’t pooh-pooh it so fast. Research has shown that the feces are high in the amino acid guanine, and are said to be great for the complexion.
What’s more, Eucerine (a very commonly used moisturizing lotion here in the states) has the ingredient Urea. While it helps nourish your skin, urea is found in the urine of mammals. Are you seeing where I am going with this, Seth Rogen? Yup, you got it. There in the parking lot I thought, “I am going to make my own, all natural skin care line!” Hardly able to contain myself, I grabbed the bag of excrement and promptly ran home.
At the moment I am working on the skin care line from my apartment. I have drastically increased my intake of both water and fruit, but progress is slow. Would you like to team up with me? We could produce twice as quickly. I can have a nice organic fruit basket sent to your house. Stay away from the bananas, they’re binding. What should we name our skin care line? “Scent of Beauty?” Just think what it would look like to have both our names on the label! Oh, Seth Rogen, I’m so excited! Let’s get together and brainstorm soon.
Until then…
Debbie
