Dear Seth Rogen

Did you know the average person has one hundred fifty thousand hairs on their scalp?  I am a lover of hair.  I love looking at it, washing it, and styling it.  On more than one occasion I’ve been referred to by myself as an amateur hair stylist.  The great thing about hair is that it is so versatile.  Most people don’t realize the diverse uses for the filamentous bio-material  that grows from the follicles found in their dermis.  I’ll stop you there, Seth Rogen, cause I can already see the wheels in your head turning, asking…”Debbie, what else are its uses?”

Well, Seth Rogen, I’m glad you asked.  Human hair is actually stronger and much more robust when compared with all-pervasive fiberglass.  So it should come as no shock to you that Ronald Johnson, a former hair stylist, created an environmentally friendly material using hair clippings which could ultimately substitute for products which contain considerable amounts of fiberglass.  And what did he do with this hair material?  Well, he built a chair!  I’m looking to purchase one for my home office.

Lady Gaga had a hat made of hair, but hair’s fashion abilities go far beyond the head.  The creative design team from the Artidjana fashion house utilized 165 feet of blonde human hair within this dress that was modeled in a fashion display in Zagreb, Croatia.   

And who doesn’t love art?  A Beijing artist built a statue of Barack Obama using human hair. 

There is really no limit to where hair can go (and grow) and what it can do.  And that is why I am such a fan of hair.  Unfortunately, Seth Rogen, I believe that some of my fans have discovered my fondness towards the cylindrical filaments that protrude from the scalp.  They have abused that knowledge, and, well quite honestly made me have a bad hair day.  I’ll explain…

I was sitting with my girlfriends at a twenty four hour diner out at Morongo Casino, nourishing myself after a late night of dancing at a bachelorette bash.  The bride-to-be had just ordered her biscuits and gravy, when a gentleman with very long braids approached our table.   As this gentleman sat down, his charcoal locks fell right into my water.  As much as I love hair, I am an even bigger fan of hydration, and I had no idea where this braid had been.  I tried not to seem taken aback.  After all, he was probably just a fan trying to find a way to connect with me.  I remind myself constantly that even though I am a celebrity, I am also a person.  So I try to be understanding when a fan wants to talk to me.  After all, without our fans, who would we be?  Am I right, Seth Rogen, or am I right? 

And so, I very kindly asked him to remove his hair from my water glass.  He did so, and quickly, but he then took his braid and began to rub it along the table.  I must admit, I was quite disgusted.  His friends all watched from the next table over.  I commend this braided gent for his brazen bravery, but Seth Rogen, this is no way to connect.  He continued rubbing his hair against the table, until the biscuits and gravy arrived.  At which point, he dropped his plaited hair onto the bachelorette’s plate, dipped his braid into the gravy, and painted a heart on the table. 

Well, Seth Rogen, I regret to admit that words failed me at this point.  I sat there with my mouth agape.  Clearly, the gentleman thought he had done well, as he smiled, and his friends at the table behind us all started to applaud.  I didn’t know what to do.  I do love hair… and gravy.  Perhaps this was his way of trying to combine two of my favorite things into the ultimate introduction.  But before I could give the man my autograph, the bride to be picked up our plates and moved a few tables over.  I can’t say that I blame her.  Hair in your food is quite disgusting, no matter how much you love the two items separately.

Oh, Seth Rogen, I’ll never look at gravy the same again.

       
Until then…

Debbie

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This past Monday night, Barack Obama hosted a Passover Seder at the White House.  This tradition started in 2008 when three of the President’s Jewish aides were practicing their faith in the basement of a Pennsylvania hotel.  Obama walked by and asked, “Hey, is this the Seder?”  Apparently it was.  Barack joined the low level aides and the Passover tradition has lived on in the Obama residence ever since. 

Normally, I do not have a problem with gentiles participating in Seders.  I usually see it as a wonderful way to promote religious tolerance and understanding.  Plus, it is so cute when a non-Jew tries to say “Baruch Atah Adonai.”  However, this year is different.  This year, I did not get the opportunity to celebrate Passover with my low-level aides in a Pennsylvania hotel.  This year, Seth Rogen, I was not invited to a Seder. 

I realize what must have happened.  It was a combination of things, really.  First of all, more and more people have been listening to my standup comedy.  All of my Jewish friends have now heard me refer to getting my nose job as “having the Jew cut out.”  I have offended one too many Jews, Seth Rogen.  My own people are shunning me.

Second of all (and the more likely reason that I had no Seder invite), now that I am a celebrity, everyone assumes I had some big “Celebrity Seder” to go to. They were probably just too embarrassed to invite me to their own.  I’m sure that’s the same reason you didn’t invite me to your Seder, Seth Rogen.  So, everyone assumed I had somewhere else to be, and I wound up with nowhere to go.

Monday night arrived and I sat alone at my table with a hard-boiled egg, some parsley, and some bitter herbs.  I defrosted the remaining matzo ball soup from when I had my surgery and my mom cooked for me.  Realizing that was not enough food, I walked to Whole Foods and bought a little organic brisket to complete my Jewish feast.   I felt a little guilty for buying the organic brisket because my Libertarian father says organic is a waste of money.  I guess it is not a true Jewish holiday without a little guilt. L.O.L.  Am I right, Seth Rogen? 

So, I sat down and asked myself the traditional Seder questions.

Why is this night different from all other nights?
Because I was not invited to a Seder.

Why is it that on all other nights during the year we eat either bread or matzoh, but on this night we eat only matzoh?
Because it is Passover.

Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night we eat only bitter herbs?
Because on this night nobody invited us to a Seder (as a result of our celebrity status), making us sad, lonely, and bitter. Very bitter.

Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip our herbs even once, but on this night we dip them twice?
Shit.  I forgot the dipping sauce.

Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position?   
Because tonight we are eating alone, so we are having Seder in a Lay-Z-Boy in front of the television.

Seth Rogen, what should I do?  I don’t want to alienate people anymore.  This year, Passover passed me over.  Next year, let’s celebrate it together.  Happy Easter.

Until then…

Debbie Singer