Dear Seth Rogen,
Perhaps you are not aware, but the United States Postal Service is on the verge of bankruptcy. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night could hinder the postal service, but apparently 300 million citizens who prefer texting and emailing will do the trick. Unless the US government bails them out, well, I don’t want to picture a world without mailmen. Though to be honest, I could probably do without mailwomen. Those shorts are just awkward. 
Seth Rogen, this situation is extremely serious. I’m not the only one who thinks so. According to Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe, “Our situation is extremely serious.” He went on to say, “If congress doesn’t act, we’ll default.” If the post office defaults then who will deliver my favorite grocery circulars and daily offers for platinum credit cards? And how will my Alma Mater contact me to request a donation of $100 or more? Sadly, it seems the USPS is already showing signs of its demise. Lately the post office, normally a pillar of accuracy and timeliness, is misplacing and forgetting to bring my most important pieces of mail. For instance, Ryan Gosling’s thank you card for the car shaped cookie basket I sent him after his commanding performance in DRIVE? Never delivered. My letter of acceptance into the summer program at Juilliard. Never delivered. That’s not the worst of it, Seth Rogen. The USPS has failed me on an even greater level and I think we both know what I’m referring to.
A wedding is a joyous occasion, and wedding invitations, delivered via the postal service, are important first impressions presenting the couple to their guests. Luckily, you and I are way beyond first impressions, because thanks to the failing postal service, I never received my wedding invitation to your big day. You could imagine my embarrassment, Seth Rogen, when I awoke last Monday morning only to read that I missed the matrimonial festivities as you wed the perfectly acceptable Lauren Miller. Embarrassed doesn’t even describe it. Mortified is more accurate. Please, please, please… don’t feel bad. I know this wasn’t your fault. Truthfully, email is to blame, but since email can’t feel guilt it isn’t very satisfying to blame. Damn our failing postal system!
According to my sources on the internet, your intimate affair included Judd Apatow and wife, Leslie Mann, Paul Rudd, Adam Sandler, Craig Robinson from The Office, and Jonah Hill. I can only imagine that when you looked around at your sea of friends, you wondered where I was. (And also Freeks and Geeks companion Samm Levine, whose invite most likely went missing in the mail as well.) Well, this past Saturday night I played a game of cyber chess with my Libertarian physician father. In his old age he is much appreciative of quality time anyone under the age of 55 is willing to spend with him. In hindsight it seems cruelly ironic that whilst I explained to my father that there were no “hip” or “hopping” Hollywood parties that evening (which garnered a small grin from the old man), I was missing out on your big day. I just hope you had someone there to walk you down the aisle. I let you down, Seth Rogen, and for this I am eternally apologetic.
Know that I am not over this. I plan to do whatever it takes to fix our broken postal service. Join me, Seth Rogen. Let’s use our combined celebrity power to save the United States Postal Service! This way we can insure that next time you get married all your invitations will be safely delivered. My best to the wifey.
Until then…
Debbie
