Dear Seth Rogen,
When I was a wee child, I had a goldfish that I loved very much. My love for said goldfish inspired me to name him or her Grover. You may not understand the meaning behind the name Grover, being from the far off land of Canada. I’m not sure if they even had television in Canada when you were growing up, let alone the critically acclaimed children’s series called Sesame Street. Anyhow, Grover was cute, he was cuddly, he rarely used contractions, he was sexually ambiguous and he was always there when I needed him, just like that blue Muppet on Sesame Street.
Well, the grieving didn’t last long, because I soon debunked my sister’s erroneous hypothesis. While getting drunk on amaretto ice cream and reading the top headlines on Yahoo! news, I accidentally clicked on the “Science” tab. It was there on the seldom read science page that I made the fabulous discovery that I spoke of in paragraph 2, line 1 of this letter. I learned that animals are shrinking! That’s right, Seth Rogen. As it turns out, many living organisms will shrink thanks to a host of changes in the environment, the result of human caused climate change, also known as “Global Warming.” The point is, Grover is a happy and healthy thirty year old goldfish that has been subject to the shrinking effects of global warming.
I did some more research in my own home, and as it turns out, Grover isn’t the only “living organism” affected by global warming. My Toy Fox Terrier, Shebbie Dog, has lost 0.03 lbs in the last week, and my Chihuahua Terrier mix, Babbu, lost 0.025. My psychiatrist or psychologist sister insists that it is due to an increase in their exercise (dog park 4 times this week) and a decrease in their caloric intake. I, however, know that she is wrong. Obviously as the dogs have been outside more, in this harsh “Global Warming” climate, they have begun to shrink, and are now at risk of their own extinction! I’ve decided to stop taking them on walks all together, and am training them to use “Wee Pads” in lieu of a our neighbor’s grass.