Dear Seth Rogen

My mother has always stressed the importance of skin care.  Every time she visits, she brings me obscene amounts of dermatological merchandise.  A serum for the eyes, an ointment for the lips, a balm for the smile lines, and a specially formulated nighttime repair salve.   Plus, the “free gift with purchase” lipstick.  With a wrinkle free wink, my mother promises me eternal youth.  

As you can tell, Seth Rogen, skin care is something I grew up with, and it is something that is very important to me.  Lately, however, I have found I no longer have room for all the derma goods my mother brings me.  I want to turn her products away, but I worry that she will take that as a direct affront to her well established stance on the importance of skin care.  I also worry that the worry will manifest itself as lines on my face, completely negating the clinical benefits of the products and forcing me to accept even more skin care handouts. 

And so, I have decided to do the only logical thing.  I am going to start my own skin care line. 

I won’t be the first celebrity to have her own skin care line.  Heidi Klum has “In An Instant,” Susan Lucci has “Youthful Essence,” and Cindy Crawford teamed up with Dr. Sebagh over a decade ago to create the “Meaningful Beauty” line.  Though I applaud Ms. Crawford for choosing a  brand name that champions the politically incorrect (but true) opinion that “meaningful” beauty is actually on the outside, I do not plan to follow her business model.  You see, unlike Ms. Crawford, I won’t be teaming up with a dermatologist.  Who needs a doctor when you can rely on years of skin care knowledge instilled in you by your mother, who once worked as a medical school librarian?

My business plan came to me by chance, really.  It was a weekday.  I arrived at the Whole Foods parking lot.  A gentleman in a Ford Explorer pulled into the adjacent spot.  Suddenly, I heard a loud and frightening “POP.”  At first I thought his tire exploded, or perhaps he ran over a Smartwater water bottle.  But no.  This sound had an odor and that odor was something awful.  Certainly not the sweet smell I have come to expect from Whole Foods.  I walked past his car, and found that he had run over a previously airtight bag of feces.  The man had no idea, so I said “Excuse me, sir?  I think you just ran over a bag of poop.”  And that’s when it hit me like a bolt of lightening.

I do apologize, Seth Rogen.  At this point, I am sure you cannot see where my moment of inspiration came from.  I must admit, it does sound a little ludicrous.  However, Seth Rogen,  I am going through a culturally exploratory phase, and have of late, been reading up on Japanese customs.  For centuries the Japanese have been using uguisu, a skin care product made out of songbird feces.  In the 18th century, geisha and kabuki actors used it to wipe the heavy white makeup off their face.  I know what you are thinking, Seth Rogen.  “Ewe!  Poo!”  But don’t pooh-pooh it so fast.  Research has shown that the feces are high in the amino acid guanine, and are said to be great for the complexion. 

What’s more, Eucerine (a very commonly used moisturizing lotion here in the states) has the ingredient Urea.  While it helps nourish your skin, urea is found in the urine of mammals.  Are you seeing where I am going with this, Seth Rogen?  Yup, you got it.  There in the parking lot I thought, “I am going to make my own, all natural skin care line!”  Hardly able to contain myself, I grabbed the bag of excrement and promptly ran home.

At the moment I am working on the skin care line from my apartment.  I have drastically increased my intake of both water and fruit, but progress is slow.  Would you like to team up with me?  We could produce twice as quickly.  I can have a nice organic fruit basket sent to your house.  Stay away from the bananas, they’re binding.  What should we name our skin care line?  “Scent of Beauty?”  Just think what it would look like to have both our names on the label!  Oh, Seth Rogen, I’m so excited!  Let’s get together and brainstorm soon. 

Until then…

Debbie

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I am being sought after by a cult.  Of course, I’m not the first celebrity to be coveted by a cult.  Scientology, for instance, has been recruiting celebrities for years with celebrity recruitment centers that span the globe.  If you are a celebrity (which you are, L.O.L.), they even wave the $1000 fee for an auditing course.  No wonder fellow comedic actresses like Laura Prepon and Jenna Elfman belong to the Church of Scientology.   Unfortunately, Seth Rogen, the cult recruiting me is far scarier, and much less glamorous than L. Ron Hubbard’s elite club. 

The Debbie coveting cult I speak of is using my own mother to get to me (they’ve clearly forgotten that a young woman’s greatest fear is becoming her mother).  You see, Seth Rogen, my mother is part of an exclusive cult, know as CAbi.  Some might say that CAbi parties are just a bunch of your friends eating, drinking, and shopping for clothes, all in the comfort and privacy of the home.  While this sounds harmless enough, my incredible sleuthing skills (a.k.a. instinctive Jewish meddling) have led me to discover a few signs that prove the CAbi’s are indeed a cult. 

My findings: 

1. Most cults have a charismatic leader that holds a tremendous amount of sway over the members.  

CAbi certainly has that charismatic leader in Carol Anderson, the former Nordstroms designer that was tired of being told what to design, prompting her to start her own line sold exclusively through independent “consultants.”  I’ve seen my mother purchase a polyester track suit from the CAbi catalog, just because the “consultant” told her it was one of Carol’s personal favorites.  With that kind of power, who knows what Carol Anderson will make my mother do next!

2. Most cults promote isolation and exclusivity, often times forcing members to cut off contact with their own family.

Can you imagine cutting off contact with me, Seth Rogen?  Neither can I… and we’re not even technically family.  Well, before these CAbi parties, my mother would answer her cell phone in a movie theater just to tell me that she was in a movie and couldn’t talk.  Now, when my mother is at one of her CAbi parties, she lets my call go directly to voicemail!  The forced isolation is obvious.  Plus, the blatant exclusivity of this cult is apparent in its very name.  That’s right, CAbi stands for Carol Anderson by invitation. 

Don’t worry Seth Rogen, this CAbi cult will never be able to lure me in and you and I will never lose contact.  I’m far too smart for them.  I never order clothes from a catalog.  You just can’t trust the sizes are what they say they are. 

3.  Cults often strongly imply that money contributed to their cause will earn the contributor numerous gifts, powers, and abilities.

This mark of a cult brings me to a new threat, Seth Rogen.  My sister’s future mother-in-law is attempting to have me join a second cult, led by a charismatic drag queen called “Mary Kay.” 

Mary Kay certainly fits the bill of a cult.  To date, my sister’s future mother-in-law has poured countless hard earned dollars into this cult, and for what?  Sure, Mary Kay has rewarded her with two automobiles and flawless skin, but at what cost?  And what if my mother were to be sucked in by this cult’s incredible exfoliating foot rub?  After all, she does not possess my iron will.   I’m sure that my mother’s membership would be frowned upon in the cult community, as cults are quite exclusive, and do not encourage an incestuous overlap of members.

Seth Rogen, what should I do?  Have you or anyone you loved ever been lured in by a scary cult such as The CAbi’s or The Manson family… or The Tea Baggers?  If so, what did you do to bring them back to a healthy state of mind?  I must fight against this evil.  Please help. 

Until then…

Debbie

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The other morning, there was a woman dressed in rags sitting on the curb outside my neighborhood Whole Foods holding a sign that read, “Your Fortune For Food.” Normally I am not one to buy into psychic psychobabble, but this woman was different than most that claim clairvoyance.  You see, Seth Rogen, as I trotted along, she called out, “I’m a psychic to the stars!”  Naturally, being a rising star myself, I could not ignore the coincidence.  As you know, it is not often that a psychic of the stars is as available as this woman.  I took it as a sign. 

So, I handed the psychic my Luna Bar and organic acai berry smoothie and sat down by the garbage cans.  After a long hard look into my eyes, and long hard sip of my smoothie, Glenda (as she later introduced herself) told me, “You will be faced with a new career opportunity.”

At first, I hadn’t any idea what Glenda was referring to.  At the rate I am going, what would I even do with a new career opportunity?  I’d probably have to turn it down with my busy schedule and all.  Then, just hours later, it all began to fall into place. 

That afternoon, I made a post surgery follow up visit to my gynecologist.   It was there that I discovered my gynecologist has taken to teaching. No, I do not want to be a teacher, Seth Rogen, although that is a valid guess based on the way I have structured this paragraph thus far.  During this exam, my doctor brought in an intern to take a look.  Always an advocate of education, I allowed it.  The intern sat down on the rolling stool, faced my furry taco, squinted, explored, then spoke these life-changing words, “You have a beautiful cervix.”

Well, Seth Rogen, to be honest, I haven’t seen that many cervixes.  What would make mine any more beautiful that someone else’s, like your mother’s for instance?  The intern handed me a mirror to take a look for myself.  I must tell you, Seth Rogen, truer words have never been stated.  I lost myself in the image within myself.  Never had I seen such beauty, as in that pink doughnut that was reflected back at me. 
 

Well, Seth Rogen, I’m sure it is pretty obvious by now what my new career opportunity is.  I am going to become a Cervix model! I tried to call my agent to tell him of my new discovery and have him book me my first cervix gig, but my call went directly to voicemail.  He says he has terrible reception in his home office.  So, upon arriving home, I sat at my computer and searched for cervix model gigs on my own.  Guess what? I found the perfect thing.  You’ve probably already heard of the Beautiful Cervix Project, a website that displays images of the cervix to help women understand the cycles of cervical change.  I have no doubt that my beautiful cervix will be useful to the Beautiful Cervix Project.  I can’t wait to hear back from them.  

Seth Rogen, I am now a triple threat, as the industry likes to call it.  I can act, sing, and model my cervix.  Thanks to me, all the women in this world (with internet access) will know what a perfect cervix should look like.  It is my duty to share my cervix with the world.  Otherwise, Glenda’s prophecy will go unrealized. 

Seth Rogen, do you have a body part you feel could help others?  A body part that you could model?  Possibly your eyes, or your knuckles, or your prostate?  If so, do you have talent representation for that specific body part? Because I’m afraid my agent doesn’t have a lot of experience in this department.  If you don’t mind, Seth Rogen, I’d like to use you as a reference when contacting them about my cervix.

Until then…

Debbie

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My agent assures me that I am redefining comedy.   He says I am not to worry about a recent lack of auditions.  As my agent explains, “nobody goes on auditions April through September.”  According to him, the industry essentially shuts down, which explains why he hasn’t returned my calls.

With this momentary pause in my breakthrough career, I took some time to celebrate my little sister and her accomplishments.  My family and I have always been supportive of my sister, even if her goals are pedestrian.  So, this past weekend, when she graduated with her Doctorate in Psychology from Stanford, I proudly put on a supportive happy face, went up to the Bay Area, and celebrated.

The graduation was an extravagant event.  Not Academy Awards extravagant, but daytime Emmy extravagant.  And like any good award show, recipient after recipient shed a tear.  As the students received their diplomas and made their parting speeches, they were overwhelmed with emotion.  I sat there, wondering why these young adults would bother getting so worked up when there wasn’t a single national television station covering the event.  Of course, the students blamed their tears on cliche excuses, like saying goodbye to close friends, not knowing when their paths would cross again, and finally achieving their “lofty” goals.  I instantly saw through the charade.  You can’t pull one over on me, Seth Rogen!  These students were actually crying because something was missing from their graduation.

I have always prided myself on my ability to read others.  Though an actress by day, one might say that I am an amateur psychologist by night.  You pick up a few things here and there when you commiserate about your mother with a sister that studies psychology. 

So, while sitting in the back of the auditorium, it suddenly dawned on me.  I knew what they were thinking.  They were thinking, “Debbie Singer let us down.”  I was overcome by a wave of guilt.

It was all my fault, Seth Rogen! How could I be so obtuse? These students were crying because I had completely forgotten to invite you to the graduation!  Thinking back, it should have been so obvious.  One of my sister’s friends even asked me if I expected you to show up.  He then laughed uncontrollably, clearly giddy at just the thought of meeting you.  I feel such remorse for not telling you about my sister’s “big day.”  Not just because it would have made those graduates’ day, but because I think you would actually like my sister.  Despite her simplicity, you two have much in common.  You both have curly hair, and you both are dear to my heart.  Surely friendships have been built on less. 

While I cannot undo this past weekend’s blunder, I ask that you do not punish my sister for my short-sightedness.  Please know that it was I who didn’t think to invite you to the graduation, not my sister.  I acted alone.  I hope you will accept this apology, and not slight her on her next big day.  She will make a beautiful bride this summer, and I know I speak for the entire family when I say we would love to see you there. 

Until then…

Debbie

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You must be exhilarated by the recent announcement that good friend and confidant, Judd Apatow, will be producing “Wanderlust,” a new film starring your old buddy, Paul Rudd, and directed by David Wain.  My guess is, with so many of your friends working on the project, there is going to be a role for you on the film as well!!!  Seth Rogen, with no less than six other films in production, you are certainly going to be one busy bee.

You are not the only one, Seth Rogen, with such a close connection to the filmmakers.  I too have an intimate tie to the project.  You see, my hair dresser’s sister worked with David Wain on one of his prior films.  Can you believe it?  It seems that once more, fate has brought the two of us together.   I have little doubt that my close connection to director David Wain will result in a role for me in the film.  As it turns out, we will both be busy bees this fall.  It is about time we finally worked together, Seth Rogen, don’t you think? 

There is one drawback.  And this is the part I hate about the cut throat business we work in.  You see, Seth Rogen, the female lead has been promised to Jennifer Aniston, an acting peer who (like me) has suffered through years of rhinoplasty rumors. 

I happen to be a big Aniston fan.  I watched all her episodes of Friends.  I even saw her first movie Leprechaun when I rented it by mistake one Halloween. 

Unfortunately, not everyone loves Jennifer the way I do.  Many fans and bloggers are starting to get a little disgruntled with Aniston’s overexposure on the romantic comedy front.  In the past, a studio would balk at such grumblings, but in today’s economy, I fear Universal may give in to the demands of the online community.  As you can imagine, Seth Rogen, with you and I being so close, I do fear that the producers will feel obligated to bump Aniston and give me her part.   I assure you this is not what I am after.  I am sure there are enough female parts to go around.   I personally can’t wait to work with you, and I can’t wait to be brought into the Apatow Family (which I hear is like Jon & Kate Plus 8, except more Jewish), but I wouldn’t want to risk offending Jennifer.  

What should I do when Judd and Rudd offer me the role, Seth Rogen?   I’m stuck between a Rudd and hard place. L.O.L. 

Until then…

Debbie

I am so excited that you and Billy Joel are coming to my one-woman show.  I am saving a seat for both of you up front.  And be careful, my show does call for audience participation. L.O.L

To be honest, Seth Rogen, I am a little worried.  My show has music videos that pay homage to hit songs of the past.  However, even though I am a huge BJ fan (I’ve been told I have taste in music like a middle aged white man), none of my music videos pay tribute to the icon that is Billy Joel.  When Bill comes on May 6th (or 7th), I fear he will feel slighted. 

He shouldn’t, Seth Rogen.  The show’s music videos, while paying tribute to some very popular hit songs, come nowhere close to the caliber of sweet music that BJ creates.  Seriously, Seth Rogen.   One video is a remake of “To the Left” by Beyonce. 

Another is a remake of “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac.  The last, a remake of “I’ll Be” by some country singer.  A hit, maybe, but let’s face it, all country sounds the same.

Seth Rogen,  do you think that when Billy Joel is sitting in the front row of The Spotlight Comedy Club and watching me perform, “The Three Year Plan; How to Marry a Man in 1,095 Days,” he will ask himself, “Why no Billy Joel songs?”  Yup.  That’s what I thought.  And so, I have decided to write the rest of this letter to you as an homage to Billy Joel.  Please read the rest of it in rhythm to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”- one of BJ’s best, due to the fact that it is not only catchy, but educational.  I know you will pass along the message to him.  Can’t wait to see you both at the show. 

Back before I was a star                                                                                              People said I would go far.                      
Even as a little child
My talent was far from mild.

Things were not handed to me
It was difficult you see.
There were things to overcome
My dad’s a Libertarian.

Chorus:
I didn’t start the laughter.
There were always smiles
That went on for miles.
I didn’t start the laughter.
But the seed was planted,
And my wish was granted.

As I came into my own
My humor became well know.
People came out to my shows.
Popularity- it grows.

Seth, I don’t have to tell you
Vagina jokes, I wrote a few
About the gynecologist.
Let’s not repeat, you get the gist.
 
Then one day someone said to me
“Deb, more of you we’d like to see.”
I really do not know why
My fans talk like that Yoda guy.

Chorus

So what I set out to do
Is put on a big show for you.
About a Three Year Plan
Where I set out to get a Man.

The first run was a huge success.
I even wore a wedding dress.
The fans were faced with such delight
I brought it back another night.

What this show has done for me
Is made me a celebrity.
Always talking to my fans.
Smiling and shaking hands.

Chorus



Until then…


Debbie

I remember when Facebook used to be about camaraderie.  In the past, the post, “Debbie is grumpy cause she’s working late on a Friday,” would be met with the friendly response, “I’m grumpy and working late, too!”  Or, “Working late sucks!”  Or, “Stick it to the Man!”  People united on this social networking site. 

But the times, they are a changin’.  Today’s facebook is overrun by impersonal invitations to shows, events, groups and fan clubs.  Worse, it seems everyone on facebook has a blog to promote.  Are we really supposed to read them all?  I like to be supportive of my friends, but it is starting to get ridiculous. 

And so, with the advent of this more detached social network, a new type of facebook user has been born.  This user yearns for the olden days, but is drowned out by the blog posts and youtube links.  This user is what I call, “The Fisher.”  I truly feel sorry for  “The Fisher.”  “Fishers” are lonely souls.  In order to be noticed, they leave open-ended wall posts, fishing for a response, searching for a heartbeat from the online world.  A “Fisher” might post,  “Robert is feeling something.” This begs the question, “What?  What are you feeling, Robert?  Is it peevish?  Timid or thrilled?  Nauseous or pensive?  Perhaps you are chilly?”  Like a fish to bait, we are hooked.  To avoid spending hours guessing, we are forced to comment, “What is it, Robert?  What are you feeling?” 

Seth Rogen, I want facebook to feel intimate again.  Facebook has become a personal PR firm and wading through an endless sea of self-promotion is exhausting.  I want to see people for who they really are, not the false image they carefully crafted for the public.  What do you think, Seth Rogen?  Are you tired of seeing people post their blogs or try to sell you tickets to an upcoming show?  I swear, I don’t know what I’ll do if I see one more facebook post promoting an upcoming event. 

We can talk about it after my shows on May 6th and 7th.  They are going to be so great!  I can’t believe I get a two night run this time at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  I hope you got your tickets reserved in advance at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.  The underground parking is free!  There is a full bar and food available.  I do love to eat!  It is really going to be an extravagant extravaganza!  Oh!  Please tell Billy Joel about the show.  I would love it if he could make it out for one of the performances.  Did I tell you the show has never before seen videos?  Well, it does. 

Oh, Seth Rogen, I wish the rest of the world were as honest as we are.  You mean the world to me.  See you at the show. 

Until then…

Debbie

Every family has a black sheep.  That one individual considered an utter disappointment. For some, it is the estranged uncle with the mustache and prison record.  For others, it is the son who couldn’t muster the grades to make it into his father’s law school.  My family is no exception, Seth Rogen.  We too have a black sheep.

Until now, you have hardly heard me mention the black sheep in my family because her sheep-like qualities are thoroughly underwhelming.  The black sheep I speak of is none other than my little sister.  Of course, I don’t blame her for being the black sheep.  You see, my above average aptitude was apparent from a very young age.  At the age of fourteen (when I imagine most kids my age where still learning to read), I would push the living room furniture to the side, call in the family, and announce, “I’m going to put on a show!”  Let me tell you, I didn’t disappoint.  But, as I shone so bright, it was only natural that my sister fell into the role of disappointment. 

Where else could she go, really? Wherever she went, she knew she would be walking in my shadow.  Naturally, she chose a safe path… Stanford, for a Doctorate in Psychology. Did I set the bar too high, Seth Rogen?  I just hope that in June, when my sister receives her PhD, she doesn’t look down at her diploma and resent her big sister for being a celebrity. 

I mentioned the black sheep today, because I am concerned for her safety.  My sister is getting married in July to a veterinarian.  I’m not afraid of the vet.  Vets like black sheep because sheep are a type of animal. L.O.L.  Anyhow, my sister is planning a simple wedding. The invitations are already out.  Yet, the other day, my parents spring it on her that they must have a “doughnut making station” at the wedding.  Well, my sister isn’t really big on doughnuts.  Neither is the vet.  So why, I ask you, are my parents suddenly insisting on this saturated fat laden product on my sister’s big day?

I did a little sleuthing.  Like most things, it all comes back to Oprah. 

A while back, Oprah did a special on Jake/Julia.  Jake/Julia was a girl who had been living as a girl for fourteen years, when she decided she was a man trapped in a female body.  She took the appropriate hormones and started living as Jake.  Jake’s parents were incredibly supportive of the process.  Oprah checked in on the family 3 years later.  Apparently, Jake’s little brother, Jason, wasn’t doing so well.   Jake said, “I should have taken more time to stop and tell my parents, ‘I’m fine for right now. Pay attention to my brother.’”  Jason got jealous of the attention Jake got.  No one ever asked how he was doing.  It triggered a downward spiral.  Jason developed anorexia, and dropped down to as low as 109 lbs. 

That’s when it dawned on me, Seth Rogen!  My parents must have seen this Oprah episode.  They are insisting that we have high calorie donuts at my sister’s wedding because they are aware that my sister is embarrassed by her inadequate career choice in the shadow of my fame, and they don’t want her to develop anorexia.   They are telling my sister that they don’t want the guests to be bored at the wedding, but how else could you explain their tacky food choice?

What should I do, Seth Rogen?  I do think it is sweet that my parents are reaching out, but is a doughnut-making machine really the way to go?  Might their attempt to fatten her up only shun her further?  My sister is very important to me, even if she is a disappointment to the family.  So what if she isn’t me?  No one but me is.

On a side note, I do hope you got your invite to the wedding.  Make sure to indicate if you would like the Filet, The Lobster, or the Filet and the Lobster.  We can talk about it at my big show.  May 6th at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  Can you believe how popular it is?  They’re bringing it back!  Get your tickets online at www.spotlightcomedyclub.com.

Can’t wait to see you there.  Seth Rogen, you’re my best friend. 

Until then…

Debbie

P.S.

Anorexia is no laughing matter.  If you, or someone you know suffers from anorexia, here is a great recipe for doughnuts, from Emeril.

• 1 (1/4 ounce) package of active dry yeast
• 3/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/4 cup warm water (110 deg F)
• 6 eggs
• 6 cups flour
• 1/4 cup melted butter
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups whole milk
• 1/2 cup half and half
• 1 1/2 cups sweetened whipped cream
• 1 1/2 cups vanilla pastry cream
• 1 1/2 cups raspberry filling
• Shaker of powdered sugar
• 1 cup chocolate glaze
• 1 cup powdered sugar glaze

Preheat the fryer to 350 degrees.

In a small mixing bowl, combine the yeast, 1 teaspoon sugar, and 1/4 cup of the warm water. Stir to dissolve and set aside. In an electric mixer, beat the eggs and remaining 3/4 sugar until thick and pale yellow in color. Change the mixer attachment to a dough hook. With the machine running slowly add the yeast mixture, melted butter, milk, half and half and salt. Add the flour, 1 cup at a time. Mix until the mixture forms a soft ball, leaves the sides of the bowl, and climbs up the dough hook. Remove the dough and turn into a lightly oiled bowl. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set the bowl in a warm, draft free space. Let the dough rise until double in size, about 1 1/2 hours. Turn the dough out onto a floured surface and dust the surface of the dough with flour. With a rolling pin, roll out the dough, about 1/4 inch thick, in the shape of a rectangle. Using a 3 inch round cutter, cut the dough into circles. Place the rounds on a baking sheet. Cover the dough with a greased piece of plastic wrap (this will prevent the dough from sticking to the wrap) and let the dough rise until double in size, about 30 minutes. Gently fry a couple of the circles at a time, until golden brown, about 3 to 4 minutes, flipping occasionally for overall browning. Remove the doughnuts from the oil and drain on a paper towel-lined plate. Fit each pastry bag with small round tips. Fill each bag with a different filling. Pipe the donuts, alternately with the different fillings. Sprinkle some of the filled donuts with powdered sugar. Glaze the remaining donuts with the two different glazes. Place on a serving platter and serve.

Yield: 2 dozen doughnuts

This past Monday night, Barack Obama hosted a Passover Seder at the White House.  This tradition started in 2008 when three of the President’s Jewish aides were practicing their faith in the basement of a Pennsylvania hotel.  Obama walked by and asked, “Hey, is this the Seder?”  Apparently it was.  Barack joined the low level aides and the Passover tradition has lived on in the Obama residence ever since. 

Normally, I do not have a problem with gentiles participating in Seders.  I usually see it as a wonderful way to promote religious tolerance and understanding.  Plus, it is so cute when a non-Jew tries to say “Baruch Atah Adonai.”  However, this year is different.  This year, I did not get the opportunity to celebrate Passover with my low-level aides in a Pennsylvania hotel.  This year, Seth Rogen, I was not invited to a Seder. 

I realize what must have happened.  It was a combination of things, really.  First of all, more and more people have been listening to my standup comedy.  All of my Jewish friends have now heard me refer to getting my nose job as “having the Jew cut out.”  I have offended one too many Jews, Seth Rogen.  My own people are shunning me.

Second of all (and the more likely reason that I had no Seder invite), now that I am a celebrity, everyone assumes I had some big “Celebrity Seder” to go to. They were probably just too embarrassed to invite me to their own.  I’m sure that’s the same reason you didn’t invite me to your Seder, Seth Rogen.  So, everyone assumed I had somewhere else to be, and I wound up with nowhere to go.

Monday night arrived and I sat alone at my table with a hard-boiled egg, some parsley, and some bitter herbs.  I defrosted the remaining matzo ball soup from when I had my surgery and my mom cooked for me.  Realizing that was not enough food, I walked to Whole Foods and bought a little organic brisket to complete my Jewish feast.   I felt a little guilty for buying the organic brisket because my Libertarian father says organic is a waste of money.  I guess it is not a true Jewish holiday without a little guilt. L.O.L.  Am I right, Seth Rogen? 

So, I sat down and asked myself the traditional Seder questions.
 

Why is this night different from all other nights?
Because I was not invited to a Seder.

Why is it that on all other nights during the year we eat either bread or matzoh, but on this night we eat only matzoh?
Because it is Passover.

Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night we eat only bitter herbs?
Because on this night nobody invited us to a Seder (as a result of our celebrity status), making us sad, lonely, and bitter. Very bitter.

Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip our herbs even once, but on this night we dip them twice?
Shit.  I forgot the dipping sauce.

Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position?   
Because tonight we are eating alone, so we are having Seder in a Lay-Z-Boy in front of the television.

Seth Rogen, what should I do?  I don’t want to alienate people anymore.  This year, Passover passed me over.  Next year, let’s celebrate it together.  Happy Easter.

Until then…

Debbie Singer

I’m afraid I have a celebrity stalker.  I’ve heard tales of celebrity stalkers on prestigious news programs such as TMZ and The Insider, but I never imagined I would be a stalkee.   The craziest part, Seth Rogen… I am being stalked by another celebrity! Yup, a celebrity celebrity stalker. What are the odds? 

My story begins a few months back, when I was just a fetus of a celebrity, forcefully kicking in the womb of mother Hollywood.  It was a regular Sunday afternoon, and I was preparing for a hike with my dogs and my friend, Karla.  I was purchasing sandwiches at the nearby Whole Foods when I saw what looked like Kristen Davis (Charlotte from Sex and the City) buying a small fern, one of my favorite plants.   Her large sunglasses made it tough to identify her, so I followed her to her car.  Still, I couldn’t be sure, so I hopped in my Prius and followed her home.  Miraculously, when she got out of her car, her sunglasses caught a fern branch and fell to the ground.  I was right.  It was Kristen Davis! 

Naturally, I waited outside her house to catch another glimpse.  When she didn’t return, I left an anonymous note outside her door letting her know that I thought a fern was an excellent purchase and would make a nice addition to any living room.

But, Seth Rogen, Kristen Davis is not my celebrity celebrity stalker.  I only mention KD because the time I spent with her made me late for my hike in the Santa Monica Mountains, which subsequently made me come into contact with my real celebrity celebrity stalker.   You see, being late for the hike with Karla and the dogs meant that the sun was setting by the time we reached the peak.   Fearing a bloody death at the paws of a coyote, Karla and I rushed down the mountain.   We were surprised to see how quickly we found ourselves back at the parking lot… only to find we were at an entirely different and abandoned parking lot.  Somehow we made a wrong turn.  We had no idea where my car was, and now that it was dark, we wouldn’t dare reenter the forest.  

So, we followed the pavement to a nearby road.  Karla suggested we hitchhike, but I told her I generally don’t approve of taking rides from strangers.  Karla, who is from Nicaragua, reminded me that hitchhiking is perfectly acceptable in Europe.  Just as I was reminding Karla of every single horror movie ever made, a black SUV slowed down and pulled up beside us.  I thought to myself, “This could be the end.”  I wondered if I would be remembered like the other ingénues taken before their time: James Dean, Heath Ledger, Shirley Temple.  I concluded that, yes, I most likely would.

But, Seth Rogen, the driver of this SUV was not a serial killer.  The window rolled down and beautiful blonde flowing locks emerged.  It was none other than the embodiment of the fountain of youth, dynamic actress and environmental crusader, Daryl Hannah.   She offered us a ride in her biofuel-powered vehicle.  Knowing that you can always trust someone you’ve seen on TV, I quickly jumped in. 

Daryl Hannah drove us around for quite a while as we searched for my car.  We joked about the time she was arrested for spending three weeks in a tree to protest the destruction of a public garden and how it was similar to the time I climbed a tree to get a better view of Kristen Davis’ living room.  We all laughed.  It was a jolly good time.  It seemed that Daryl Hannah proved Karla was right; it’s ok to hitchhike sometimes.  Then I thought, “Wait.”  Could it really have been pure coincidence that Daryl Hannah found us on this country road?  Or had this Guerilla Gardener been following us?  Was Daryl Hannah stalking me, Seth Rogen?

At first, I gave my celebrity celebrity stalker the benefit of the doubt.  She was most likely just a Good Samaritan, patrolling the roads of Santa Monica for lost women and their pets.  Then, a couple months later, my girlfriend Shiri saw Daryl Hannah at a concert at the House of Blues.  I was supposed to be at the concert, Seth Rogen, but I got caught up outside Kristen Davis’ house.  Shiri mentioned me to Daryl and, as it turns out, Daryl totally remembered our interaction.  She even asked about my dogs!  My suspicion was growing.

Then, last week, strike three!  I put my cell phone in the washing machine and had to go to the AT&T store to get a new one.  Guess who was there?  That’s right, Daryl Hannah!  She looked right at me and said, “What’s wrong with YOUR phone?” What are the odds that this reclusive, organic farming celebrity would be at three separate places that I (or someone that I know) am at within one year?  There’s no doubt, Seth Rogen, Daryl Hannah is my celebrity celebrity stalker.

Seth Rogen, I don’t know what to do.  I must admit, I’m afraid… although, I do respect Daryl’s work in such classic films as Splash and the more recent Kill Bill volumes I&II.   I wonder what Kristen Davis would do if she had a stalker. 

I’d rather not involve the authorities at this point.  We can discuss what to do at my show this Saturday night at The Spotlight Comedy Club.  Show starts at 7:30pm.  12215 Ventura Blvd., Ste 209, Studio City.  Oh, if you happen to run into Daryl, don’t mention me. 

Until then…

Debbie